dream

so my friend, my very wise, best friend gave me some sage advice. she said when i lost the house i wanted to get that i should dream of my "perfect" house. now since i get to look for a house i've started dreaming. i know that i won't get my "perfect" house since i have no money and am looking for a little house since i'm single and without kids. but there are a few things that are none negotiable. and then there are things some things that i would just love to have and some that will just spill out... :)

french doors

non galley style kitchen *** have to have it

fenced yard *** have to have it 

2 baths

3 bedrooms

master on the 1st floor

lots of windows and big ones

hardwood floors

window seat

window over the kitchen sink

island in the kitchen

open floor plan

tiled shower with "rain" faucet

wains coating on the walls

chair railing as well

character! :)

arched doorways

deck

well i thought there was more, maybe that's a good thing... 

gray's not my favorite color

gray is not my favorite color contrary to a song by barlow girl.

it washes my complexion out. 

but today is a gray day.

i have lots of gray days - i have depression and it's not uncommon for me to feel down in the dumps.

but today is a sad gray day. 

i don't usually get these kinds.

don't get me wrong i have many things to be grateful for, and i'm trying to hard to focus on that. 

i just got back from small group with girls who love me. 

i was greeted by a puppy whom loves me unconditionally, no matter how many times i yell at her to stop barking. 

i had a HOT shower, with good smelling soap - listening to a mix i recently made myself at full volume.

i get to put my condo on the market and buy a house which i've wanted to do for a couple years now!

i can go on and on.

but i'm sad - someone i love is estranged from his family. a family i care deeply about, whom are basically my second parents. this person was large significant part of my growing up years. my family and his, we have traditions and we spend time together. no longer is he apart of his family, for complicated and yet such simple reasons. and because he's no longer apart of his family, he's made me no longer apart of his family as well. 

i stood in the shower this evening, willing the tears to come. and instead there's just a dry ache. i simply said "jesus" over and over. the pain, that his family feels. the pain that he feels. i can't comprehend and it leaves me broken. hurting and broken. where do i turn, what do i say to either party? to be brutally honest with myself i have to admit that someday i want to be apart of this family by marriage and if that happens... will i be forced to take sides? could i take sides? will there still be sides? oh how i hope and pray there won't. 

tonight at small group we read apart of lamentations, 

"his steadfast loves endures, his mercies are new every morning, great is his faithfulness." i plan to cling to that. cling as the tears fear down my face. cling as the ache continues to build and to burn. cling as i pray for my friend. for my family. for my future family.