random odd side note - my parents during their brief courtship bonded over architecture and houses. they'd go on walks and talk about the houses they liked and didn't like and what they'd have done differently. this is something they continued in their marriage, discussing houses and floor plans and what they think works and doesn't work. it boggles my mind that they don't ever do anything they talk about in our own house but it's something and may be one of the few things that they share a love for. and they've given it to me. and i can share and be with them in that adventure. though i am more prone to want to actually do something after talking about it. :)
so tonight we went on a walk and my dad decided to bring his electronic key and he'd show me the house. for all the angst he showed me when i wanted to buy a house this spring he still tells me about the houses he sees in my price range and he still lets me dream. this little red house is cute from the outside. a site of a future private elementary school sits on one side and little house on the other. it's on a quiet block in the area of town i love. the front yard is small and not fenced but the back yard is huge with fruit trees and small flower gardens. there's a little detached garage that connects to the house with a covered patio/walkway. all i knew of the house before going tonight was the kitchen looking in looked disastrous. and it was.
walking in i smelled the smell of old shut in houses, i knew the windows hadn't been opened in the house for years. the living room has dark gray carpet and i kneel to see if there's hardwood underneath, and yes being an old house there's beautiful wood below. as i walk into the kitchen my eyes are assaulted by the hideous yellow linoleum and the very strange arrangement of stove, washer and dryer plus fridge. the room itself it quite large but weirdly configured and unpleasant.
my dad and i wander through the door out to the patio and i see steps going down, i hesitantly follow them into a pitch black basement made of horror movies. i quickly leave, there's nothing down there and it's great storage i tell myself. my dad didn't even follow, his only comment was "scary basement." we wander back into the house to find a very pink full bath without a shower. lame i say. and then a bedroom with a nice walk in closet. I wander back out to the living room and then into a different bedroom which turns out to be the master since it has it's own full bath with shower! yay! plus a huge closet. i slowly start to imagine my things there. where would i put my couch? what paint colors would i choose?
my dad and i discuss the awful kitchen and he says you'd just have to start over, there's plenty of space to work with, why not just completely change it. he's not thinking of me really just in general. but i start to dream.
i dream of painting the floor in the kitchen, yes i know paint the floor? i read a recent article about it and fell in love with the idea. i'd have an island and bar with stools. i'd move the washer and dryer out of the kitchen and have a mud room where the entrance to the horror basement is.
the pink bath room wouldn't be too bad, the pink tile could be painted over and the wall color changed. a shower would have to be routed in but that couldn't be too hard, could it? she asks naively. i can see my bedroom with my bed just so and my dresser by the door. and the dining room with my table and chairs with their bright cushions.
it's a little home with not all that much room but a home in itself with so much potential for growth and personalization. the fence in the front that i'd build (i'd? maybe, most likely not.).
it's been hard this year being 23. i know in the big scheme of things that's not old, i understand that i have so much time left. my heart hurts for my dreams. my dream of owning my own home. not this condo i'm stuck in without options, held back by well meaning parents and grandparents. i sound so spoiled. i guess i am.
my heart aches for a relationship, for a man to hold me, to love me. for a man who i can be a wife to, who will be my husband. i thought i'd be married now and getting to live that dream and deepest desire of my heart. i don't want babies yet but how i long to be in marriage and have that confidence that i'm with a man with whom i can have babies with.
i'm lonely these days. i feel so far away from where i want to be. with no ideas of how to get there. with no whispers of peace from God. my heart and stomach roll with the fear that those dreams will never be fulfilled. there is a terror that i'm found wanting. that i'm lacking in some area to still be so far away from where i so desperately want to be. i feel as though a part of me is missing. i'm incomplete and undone. my prayer is that i can be closer to God who feels so distant and yet it's hard to understand why this deep desire still hasn't been met. i struggle with this loving God when i feel so unloved by him. i struggle to understand and to seek when i hurt and feel as though he could take this hurt away if he wanted.
i have dreams and today walking through that house made those dreams shine so brightly in my eyes i can barely see.
