Graduation is coming. But is it really? I have this irrational fear that at the last minute they’ll say, nope you can’t graduate. You aren’t good enough. AHHH! Let me tell you, I’m barely hanging on by the skin of my teeth (by the way, what the heck does that expression mean? We don’t have skin on our teeth… at least I don’t)
Flashback to freshman of college, sitting in Artzen Hall 100 – surrounded by 400 hundred other students… I have to pee really bad, but I don’t want to get up and leave, they’ll all look at me, I’ll turn bright red, maybe I’ll walk in with toilet paper stuck to my shoe, maybe I’ll have forgotten to zip my fly…. They’ll all laugh and snicker at me. I really have to pee though, I start bouncing in my seat! My friend says, Christine just go to the bathroom. I get up, and go.
I get to the bathroom in the bowels of Artzen, and suddenly my skin is clammy, my breath is shaky and my hands won’t stop shaking. Sweat is breaking out all over my body. I can barely stand. What is going on?! I go back to class, terrified that I’m going to fall down the stairs and sink into my chair.
When I get home I mention it to my roommate, the rest of the week, I have one of this experiences everyday. I can’t get up and leave class to go to the bathroom, and if I am late at all for class, I can’t go in without getting shaky, not being able to breathe and breaking into a sweat. I start showing up to class 15 minutes early and going to the bathroom even when I don’t have to for fear or having to go during class. Finally I call the doctor, she tells me “Oh that sounds like you’re having panic attacks”…. Oh, okay. She tells me some calming techniques. Plus my roommate’s sister gets them really bad so she talks to be about triggers and how to make it so that you don’t have them happen to you.
Zoom forward six years. I barely have panic attacks every anymore, I’ve gotten excellent and knowing and recognizing my triggers and I know when and how to stop them. But I’m stuck in one right now… have been stuck in one for a few days, nothing I do seems to matter. I can’t shake this over-riding fear… my can barely catch my breath, my heart is bumpin’ along a little faster than normal and I have a constant headache and tension tummy ache… 32 more days… this is torture. I’d like to be able to breathe again. I’m calling my doctor when I get done with work today. I can’t take this pressure anymore, I’m about to drop of this ledge, to simply free fall to the depths below.
