2009 is done.

this is always a weird time of year for me. we've just had christmas, my birthday is a few short days away and it's new years eve. i've never done anything that exciting on new years eve. i don't know if i can honestly say i've ever even been to a new years eve party? have i? no idea. and though it's horrifying to some (mainly my friend bethany, i don't think of new years eve as a holiday... i've always thought it academic years rather than actual years.)



looking back of 2009 i search for highlights of the year...



graduating, finally with my BA

remodeling my kitchen, finally

working at starbucks, and learning about coffee - it didn't last long but i'm very happy i got to experience it

being at a job for more than one year - that's new for me!

e moving back to town (was that technically 2008?)

nic getting married

spending time with libby (and aunt l and U)

seeing my sis more

georgous sunny mountain christmas

weekly massages and developing a relationship with shannon

having benefits again

seeing late tuesday all together live in seattle.

leading a d group and creating a senior project from it

becoming closer with some friends

growing my hair long, dying it dark and chopping it off



lowlights



still a messy girl

not consistently taking my meds and messing myself up

failing with money once again

being done with the inn

failing at working out consistently

doubting myself in relationships

not getting to see cindy very much

miss still not behaving like i'd like (my fault)





what do i want from this next year? what are my continued hopes, dreams and prayers?



I'm praying for grad school admission.

I'm praying for dedication to work out schedules and dealing with my stress.

I'm praying for patience in the plan Christ has for my life.

Oh and a puppy to be miss' friend! :)

wakeful

i search for words all day. I am passionate about communicating, i think communication is amazing and i like to do it. My job is talking, and I talk a lot to the people in my life who will listen. and yet I search for the written words all day. it's like there's something that's buried in my head, each morning i wake up and i can physically feel it. I can feel it just a little poking at me. It's hurts in a way, like a dull tooth ache.

As the day goes on, I try to dig at it, work at it, what is it? My fingers itch to uncover it. What are the words that I so desperately want to share with people? I open up my blog and sit and stare at the screen. I want to scream - "words come out! Stop being buried. You're in there. I know you are." Yet all that screaming does (other than frighten the people around me) is loosen another layer of whatever is holding those words down. I get home and that little nut, that's what i think of it as, a little nut buried in my soul and me clawing at it all day, that little nut, it's still stuck. My hands are raw from clawing, my fingernails bloodied and torn.

And then i get in bed. Usually past my bedtime like tonight, and the minute my head hits the pillow and i pull the chain on my bedside lamp, the nut cracks WIDE OPEN. the words and the thoughts literally pour out of my head. The sentences come together like nothing during the day. The words are all there and there are words enough to write letters, send cards, and post several blogs. It's at this point i start to toss and turn, I can't get up to write, it's past my bedtime and i need sleep. I already struggle getting up, I can't stay up and write. But oh how i want to. So I end up hoping and praying that the words will stay, the sentences not leave and the creativity that isn't there all days remains focused.

It's doesn't. It's buried once again. At times it seems buried deeper. The words have left and the sentences are gone. Yes, I can remember a glimmer of what I "wrote the evening before. I can see the fragment of where those words were taking me, but the flow and natural ease is erased.

Tonight the wind wails like a train shooting through a small town, my body physically hurts and my soul is tired. I know there's a lot to this person that I am that hasn't been discovered. I am an artist, I am gifted. The roots are there buried deep, now how do get them to burst forth in flower? To crack open in a way that's cemented rather than tossed and thrown away with the passing of night?

thankful: gortex

What do you think of when you think of Gortex? Do you think of anything? I'm sure the most common response would be to think of Raincoats. Living here in the Northwest there's a great need for a quality, waterproof raincoat.

But for me, gortex reminds me of my little raincoat, my patch covering the hole in my heart. It's amazing to me that the material that makes raincoats also makes patches to repair the hole in my heart.

I'm so thankful for gortex. I'm thankful that I live in a time where first, someone would think to use gortex for fixing heart holes and two, the procedures and operations exist to "heal" someone like me.


As i walk around today in the rainy northwest I'm thankful what i fondly refer to my own little raincoat, protecting and covering that pesky little hole in my heart.

learning to run again.

when walking with a friend a few years back I expressed the desire to run again. and when i say again, i think i meant for the first time really, being an athlete i'd been in shape but I'd never just gone running. she advised me to take it slow and build up, she'd taken a running class in college and they'd started with ten minutes a day for two weeks and very slowly increased from there.

I've tried several times to get back into shape, ever since my heart surgery almost eight years ago i've needed to get back into shape and yet each month that passes makes the mountain of not being in shape larger, higher and more daunting.

since i've graduated two months ago I've had lofty dreams of getting back into the swing of things, of walking 6 days a week, losing weight and building my stamina back up. these things haven't happened. i've felt as though I've walked through a haze or fog, moving slowly from day to day, trying to grasp the surfaces around me just to hold me up. and I think I may be slowly coming up to the surface, slowly learning how to walk in this new stage of life.

my hope is that i can slowly again begin to see Christ around me, to walk the way God has called me and to live fully again.

and to run fully up the mountain that has stood in my way for eight years now.

green monster

one of the complications of heart surgery for me is that i suffer from swollen legs. i don't know how many people really experience swollen legs, i've heard that pregnant woman do but i haven't experienced that. it's painful and uncomfortable and has been happening a lot lately. but no worries, just had heart tests and i'm good to go for another year! but regardless swollen legs aren't much fun.
before surgery when i was 17 swollen legs were a daily, all day battle. doctors thought maybe i'd get relief at night but it was actually worse because i wasn't moving for so long. and in high school my best friends family got the green monster. it's this mammoth reclining chair, it props your legs up and is simply the best thing for swollen legs. plus it's an awful and yet wonderful green color. it's a beaut. and i fell head over heels in love with it.
see, uncle d left it with e's family to store for him because he didn't have room, not sure they had room either but cw loves her brother and they stored it. i wanted that chair so bad.
in college ( i can say that now, in past tense!) i got a one person version of the green monster (it's cute tho! green monster is wonderful because it is what it is!) - i love my brown recliner and it's awesome for my legs but it's not the gm.
two days ago i saw the gm sitting in the carport and e casually mentions that they are selling it... WHAT!?
frantically my brain is scrambling to come up with where i could put the gm. i'm so bummed cause i have loved it since i set eyes on it.
going home i bemoan that soon the gm will belong to someone else, a few hours later i text e and say, please i want it. and i'll just MAKE it work.
i want the chair. i don't care how I'll make it work. the chair is in my living room, it's mammoth and i'll be hiring professional movers when i move to CO. miss and i cuddled last night and it was the nest thing ever, now i just need to take cw up on her quilt offer and i'm gonna be solid this winter and for the rest of my sitting in chairs life.
I'm never getting rid of it. and you know what? it works with my body and with my colors! :)
thanks uncle d and the rest of you w's, and thanks e for carrying it (justin and urs too) i love my gm!

challenge to swilson

so when reading a new blog, i stumbled on an entry that was titled 50 things I'd never do, and she only got to 35 - i told her i could do fifty and i'd blog about so here goes, and yes i am stealing some of hers...
1. i would never cut my toenails in the lunch room (i don't eat in the lunch room but that is besides the point)
2. I would never get a brazilian (though legs, eyebrows, armpits - totally and do!)
3. I would never willingly shave my head.
4. I will never sky dive.
5. I will never bungie jump.
6. I will jump off a train.
7. I will never swin with sharks.
8. I will never go deep sea diving.
9. I will never go sailing!
10. I will never get "sleeves"
11. I will never get anything other than my ears pirced.
12. I prolly will never travel to africa
13. I'll prolly never travel to asia
14. I'll prolly never travel to Russia
15. I will never run for President!
16. I will never open a Swiss Bank Account
17. I will never walk on stilts.
18. I will never take diving lessons.
19. I will never sell things door to door
20. I will never be good at math.
21. I will never have a math related job.
22. I will never buy a snake for a pet
23. I will not haver a ferret for a pet.
24. I will not have a cat for a pet.
24. I will not have a big dog as a pet.
25. I won't dye my hair black.
26. I won't ever eat Rubarb
27. I won't ever eat Apple Crisp
28. I won't give up coffee unless ordered by a doctor to do so.
29. I won't give up gluten unless the doc says so (and i don't think i'll ask him if i should either)30. I won't become a Nun.
31. I won't ever yell at a CS person!
32. I won't ever smoke!!!
33. I will never Enter a Logos Cookoff
34. I won't be a vegetarian
35. I won't be a a vegan.
36. I will never read skinny bitch again (anyone want my copy?)
37. I will never give up soda (well i might but i highly doubt it)
38. I will never play football again
39. I will never be better at soccer than my sister
40. I will never play baseball again (unless i have kids and they need me to or something)
41. I will never be able to completely type without sometimes looking at my fingers
42. I'll never be able to diet (woe is me!! i need too!)
43. I will never eat a whole apple while at work
44. speaking of apples - i'll never eat an apple core
45. I will never be able to sew like my mom
46. I highly doubt i'll ever enjoy spicey food! (though sarah i do like curry!!!!!!)
47. I will never stop making plans
48. I will never have my scars worked on (plastic surgery)
49. I will never doubt the story Christ has give me!
50. I will never make a "I never" list again as it feel negative! :)


there you go sarah! :)
46.
30.

life without homework.

Sitting at home the other day it struck me, I didn't have anything I absolutely needed to do. Sure, there were things that I should probably get done, like laundry and showering, but nothing that if I didn't do I'd be failing in my responsibility as a person. I had no homework!

There was no papers to write or edit, no books that needed to be read, no online posts to read and discuss. I glanced at my computer and realized that I hadn't opened my little friend in several days! That's huge! I used to be attached to my laptop when i was home, checking my online classes, reading things, emailing, now when i open my laptop it's for pleasure which is a whole new world for me. Since my phone has facebook and twitter and I sit in front of a computer all day at work my little mac buddy hasn't been getting much use.

Life without school is strange and very different, it feels as though part of my life is missing. I've been in school now for the last 19 years... I'm still getting used to the feeling that I have a limb missing.

To Update you on life since graduating...

There's been a whole lot of sweating on the couch with two fans pointed directly at me.

I've swam in Lake Whatcom three times in the last two weeks which broke my run of not swimming in lake whatcom since i believe 2003.

I've had one monstrous cold.

I still have my stress rash.

Went to Seaside with my cousin, Aunt and Uncle!

Read all 7 Harry Potter Books.

Watched two movies in the Theater.

Missed E.

Lots of sweating in my condo.

Fridge broke - emptied said fridge, lost money, had to choose a new fridge, the one i liked wasn't available until November (seriously! what is that?!) had to choose a new fridge (well my mom chose... it's black??)

Bought cheap coolers in hopes of having frozen food stay frozen, FAIL.

More sweating in my condo.

Watch season 7 of 24.

Spent a lot of time with miss. She was HOT too.

Gave miss a haircut (and when I say me, I mean i held her down so that my mom could trim her.)

Gave miss a total of 20 or so baths in the last two weeks. To cool her down...

Hosted a grad party - thanks to those who came!

More sweating.

Ruined my friends season 8 :(

Spoke with a Balance counselor to get my money and spending back on track.

Looked at Scooters to buy.

Called about possible scooters to buy.

Missed E some more - she's having fun with the hostess with the mostest.

Coughed every ten minutes or so for three days and counting.

Gone through two boxes of Kleenex blowing my nose. Nose a little raw.

Took some pictures with my new camera.

Gone out to eat more than I've ever done in Bellingham, trying out all the resturants!

And stuggled to understand where I'm going next. this is a new journey for me. as I sit in my office at work knowning that I don't have everything figured out, or homework to do at home, I wonder, God? Where am I going? How am I to serve you? What is this daily existence that I walk through each day that is mundane and not challenging? How do I live for you? I know looking back that I haven't been in ways that are shameful. I want to serve Christ, as I learn to walk again without this limb, my prayer is that I walk justly before Christ.

sparky - (written july 3rd 2009)

The fourth of july isn’t a holiday I like to celebrate and no it’s not because I don’t like this country that we live in or the fact that we are free because of what our forefathers risked for this nation. The fourth of july means sparklers and sparklers remind me of the nickname sparky and the nickname sparky? That reminds me of my little sister, my little sister that had the fourth of july as her due date, which made my elderly neighbor nickname her sparky in the womb.

Thinking of my little sister sucks. There are hardly any good memories. The only things I remember even though it was 17 years ago, bring pain and very real hurt. There’s ball of heat in my stomach as I write this, I don’t enjoy thinking of Abby because when I think of Abby, I think of pain. Her pain, her little body purple and damaged, so broken and so little. My parents pain of losing a child. My mothers pain she could only express in tears. My family’s pain as we tried to navigate the waters that were so unknown after she died. I think of screaming at God, why did you let this happen? I think of how my other sister would say that if Abby had lived she would have been like her. My sister would say that to hurt me – you have Josh, well if Abby was here, I’d have her.

I think of that dark haired little girl, the only dark haired baby my parents had, the rest of us were blond from the get go, weird since my mom has to this day very dark hair (dominate gene).

I don’t like the fourth. It brings pain to the surface, pain that I’ve worked hard to deal with, pain that I don’t feel a freedom to talk about. Pain knowing that I go months without thinking of her,and then feeling so guilty that i haven't thought of her! and then pain that comes from thinking about her.

This is song that every time I hear I think of her – this is Abby, this is the pain I’ve tried to express, and I’ve tried to heal from.

Abby I love you, and I will never forget you, you are and always will be my little sister. The day I get to see you in heaven is a day I look forward to with much excitement and joy – It will be so good to hold you, I can’t wait to hear all about you and your life with Jesus. You, Abby, are my dark haired little sister, I love you!

Your big sis,

Christine

Watermark Glory Baby

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you… (and your sisters and brother)
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

graduation

Graduation is coming. But is it really? I have this irrational fear that at the last minute they’ll say, nope you can’t graduate. You aren’t good enough. AHHH! Let me tell you, I’m barely hanging on by the skin of my teeth (by the way, what the heck does that expression mean? We don’t have skin on our teeth… at least I don’t)

 

Flashback to freshman of college, sitting in Artzen Hall 100 – surrounded by 400 hundred other students… I have to pee really bad, but I don’t want to get up and leave, they’ll all look at me, I’ll turn bright red, maybe I’ll walk in with toilet paper stuck to my shoe, maybe I’ll have forgotten to zip my fly…. They’ll all laugh and snicker at me. I really have to pee though, I start bouncing in my seat! My friend says, Christine just go to the bathroom. I get up, and go.

 

I get to the bathroom in the bowels of Artzen, and suddenly my skin is clammy, my breath is shaky and my hands won’t stop shaking. Sweat is breaking out all over my body. I can barely stand. What is going on?! I go back to class, terrified that I’m going to fall down the stairs and sink into my chair.

 

When I get home I mention it to my roommate, the rest of the week, I have one of this experiences everyday. I can’t get up and leave class to go to the bathroom, and if I am late at all for class, I can’t go in without getting shaky, not being able to breathe and breaking into a sweat. I start showing up to class 15 minutes early and going to the bathroom even when I don’t have to for fear or having to go during class. Finally I call the doctor, she tells me “Oh that sounds like you’re having panic attacks”…. Oh, okay. She tells me some calming techniques. Plus my roommate’s sister gets them really bad so she talks to be about triggers and how to make it so that you don’t have them happen to you.

 

Zoom forward six years. I barely have panic attacks every anymore, I’ve gotten excellent and knowing and recognizing my triggers and I know when and how to stop them. But I’m stuck in one right now… have been stuck in one for a few days, nothing I do seems to matter. I can’t shake this over-riding fear… my can barely catch my breath, my heart is bumpin’ along a little faster than normal and I have a constant headache and tension tummy ache… 32 more days… this is torture. I’d like to be able to breathe again. I’m calling my doctor when I get done with work today. I can’t take this pressure anymore, I’m about to drop of this ledge, to simply free fall to the depths below.

 

wimpy? not her - me.

edited note ** i wrote this the third week of may and never posted it, don't know why, so enjoy now :)

i am wimpy. plus i like to complain which in hindsight makes me seem even more wimpy. i always seem to have something that is wrong with me. either something that's not quite working right, my back, my heart, my skin... or I am in pain. being in pain is pretty common and some days I live with it and others I complain.

my sister, she's not a complainer. she dives into the problem and straight through out the other side, busting apart the problem standing in her way. she doesn't walk through pain, she sprints.

my sister and i are so different. this weekend my grandmother commented to me that she was so glad that my sister and i were so close since we had nothing in common. i don't think that's a compliment, to either of us. and i don't really agree with that statement either.

my sister is intelligent, she's deligent and she's driven. she loves learning and she thrives on competition. she's also the funniest person I know.

and i adore her.

now people in my life may not think this, because my sis and i haven't always been the best of friends. we fight, bicker and often do not get along. but when push comes to shove she's my little sister who completes me in a way that only a little sister can.

this weekend she graduated college with honors. and i was proud of her, proud of that fact, proud that she's beautiful, that she has a teacher who she adores and learned so much from. proud of the fact that she took several times to stop and thank me and my mom and everyone else for all that we were doing for her. proud of her as she walked straight and proud as well as very blonde across that stage. proud of who she is and where she's going in life. the things she knows astounds me, the things that make her passionate and light her up - they completely boggle my mind.

my little sister, was, is and will forever be beautiful, smart and MY little sister who has my heart.

we're alike, you just have to know us well. :)

saturdays

as I sit in this saturday class and look outside at the sunshine after a week of rain, it's hard to pay attention to the debate of if i agree with physician-assisted suicide. because what I feel is not liked in this classroom. i've learned more about christian narrow mindedness these past two years sitting in this classroom than i ever thought i would. 

when it comes to this topic, i have flashbacks. i'm in a bunk bed in a home of my parent's friends, the light is shining in the hall, my mom leans over and kisses me good night. she tells me she and my dad are going to the hospital to see Abby again. and that nellie and i will go with them tomorrow to see her again. She says not to worry, Janie is in the other room and we're safe. I roll over and say good night to my little sister. And then i think of that little car seat in the back seat of the car. it's got this little plastic yellow covering with flowers on it. mom had covered it with a soft dark blue slip cover so that the sticky yellow plastic didn't show. i thought it smelled funny and commented to my mother abut that. she said that both nellie and i had ridden in it, so it was good enough for abby. 

then mom asked me to help pick out a cute coming home outfit for Abby, and nellie and i thought hard about what we wanted our new little baby sister to wear home. i can't remember the outfit, I just remember the weight my mom seemed to carry around with her.  

i was so excited when i got up the next morning and went out to see my parents. I asked early on when are we going to see Abby? It was then that I noticed the atmosphere in the room, it was then that i took that step back and asked what's wrong, what's going on?

We let Abby go last night, she's with Jesus now. is that how they told me? i have no idea, i can't even remember. all i remember is the anger - you said we'd get to see her again! you said we'd see her again! we didn't get to see her again! why would you tell me i got to see her again and then let her go! why would you do that? when i think back to that moment, I'll be honest, not all that anger is gone. i still wonder at how they decided that night instead of the next day.

It was done, the rest is mainly a blur. I remember a neighbor saying she was sorry i wasn't a big sister anymore. I remember seeing another neighbor at the memorial in a dress. I remember watching my dad cry while he read at her memorial. i also remember going to every VBS held that summer in the city of bellingham. I remember watching my mother cry everyday and all day long. and i remember walking back to the swings in my yard and having Connie say, just think of it this way, you got to play here on earth and you'll get to tell her all about it and when you get to heaven she'll get to tell you all about playing up there.

Does she look down at me? Does she know I love her, that I think of her? Does she know that she's a vital part of our family even when we don't say it? Does she know I'll grieve for her the rest of my life? My little dark haired sister who had such a little time here. 

this topic of "pulling the plug" of letting someone go when you know that their life may not be worth living. it hits close to home. did my parents make the right choice? did they really have a choice? i want out of this classroom with this judgement, i'm barely holding back the tears. 

I miss you Abby.

cowboy

the rolling hills spread out before you. the grass sways - there are no houses in sight, it's just you and the land. and of course your super cute house, with drop dead gorgeous hubby, cute kids, high speed Internet and all the money you could ever need.
that's what i think of when i dream about being a ranchers wife, not of all the work or the reality of what that life would entail. because I read pioneer woman - she's pretty wonderful! and her in the middle of no where experience is not the norm. it's pretty fairy tale, at least the part she shares with her blog readers. i love her though.
my mom is convinced that i wouldn't like solitary life - um i would. i dream of having my own space, of having a large yard - and not living in a development. where miss can run and run (and come back).
I've been thinking about that space a lot lately and I've been thinking about how cowboys (okay i know that's not actually their term) brand their animals. I want my own brand. I've even looked into getting a one made, they are expensive. so then i tried to think of how to could make one. yeah right, I'm not that skilled.
you know why i want a brand? because i want to do an heart project. i'm not an artist. but lately i've been pretending. i've been trying desperately to process the crap in my life. to process once again the fact that i have had heart surgery - yes i know you are all tired of hearing about it. but i'm trying once again to move through this pain that isn't leaving, it's still there. you think it's gone, but it's not. there's still lessons to learn, there's still things I'm growing in and from. and you know what? i don't think those will ever stop. so brace yourselves people, it's my story and it's my life so just deal with it.
and that's why i need a brand. i want to burn something into paper. i want the statement those singed edges will make, i want to see the burns, the scar it will leave behind. i want to make a statement with this "art". i want to use it to grow and heal - try break up that scar tissue that's grown hard.

you have a scar that's hardened? try and massage it - does it hurt? mine do - i want them to, i want to push as hard as i can so that I can be that person I'm being called to be.

screaming

there's a beast crawling around in my chest. his nails are ripping through my being - he's screaming at me to be let out. his fiery breath sears my soul. and i want to rip my chest open to let him out. i don't want him inside me - he's yucky and gross. i want to shower and scrub and scrub until i'm raw, maybe then he'll be gone.

"let me out, you know you want to"

"let me free, you can't hold me in here any longer"

"come one just do it"

"whose it gonna hurt?"

alone in the silence of my room i scream. "RAPE!"

"RAPE." the words tear out of my throat.

"RAPE. SHE WAS RAPED." I scream out loud.

"It's not fair, why her?" I whisper.

The words rip through me. The tears fall. My body is shaking and quivering. goosebumps stand out all over my arms, shivers of cold slither over my body. No one but me has heard my scream - i've let the demon out.

It doesn't help. It's the same. It's not freeing, there was no one there to have their heart break with me. There's no one there to hold me as i scream for my friend. He still crawls around inside me. one more pain i'll hold for a friend. One more hurt that can never be let out.

that root of her pain, the depth of her tears are rooted in my breast. i'll carry it for her, i'll slowly walk beside her as we dig deep and extract that deep strangling root, we'll dig in and pry that demons grasping fingers out of her heart, out of her soul. she'll be changed forever, she'll always carry a scar - that won't just disappear as those demons fiery hands have branded her. but the growing root of bitterness and of pain, we with Christ's help - will be banished.

a friend cries in pain? their tears stream down my face.
someone calls a friend a nasty name? it sticks in my belly.

i'll walk this with her. i'll stand upright and shoulder this.

but at home, in the silence i'll curl up and scream.

songs

i love music. there are those that don't need words and notes running through their heads at all times. i do. i need music. i'm told before I could talk i sang. my parents said that i spent my days singing as i played, as i read stories, as i rode in the car, my days were filled with music only i could hear. 

to this day i need music, i love to sing. and i don't always get the words on the first try. or the 50th try. i can hear a song once and basically remember the melody, the introduction, the way the notes move and swell. but the words? if they aren't written down in front of me, i don't understand them, i don't comprehend them. i can listen to a song over and over and still have no idea what some of the words are. once i see the words I'm fine. but more often than not i learn a song with incorrect lyrics cause i just don't hear what they're saying.

in my car it's always a risk with my cd player - sometimes it spits the cd out and others, well I've had cd's stuck in there for months on end. because of this and because i'm so tired of the radio...  i want to make a mix that i can handle having stuck in my cd player for months on end... now i need to put serious thought into this. i've been thinking about it for days now and have come up with three songs...

Walk with Me - Caedmonds call

Otis Redding - Sara Evans

TAke my life - which i currently don't own cause i'm looking for a particular version.

i know i want christian music and country - i'll need some slow songs and some upbeat ones... OH! 

My Hallelujah Song - Julianne houghs

Okay so four....

Any suggestions? i need help i can only take so much  more radio.

two for one

i have so many ideas for blog posts rolling around in my head i don't even know where to start, what to say. there are two that i want to write one, two that i need to write on - well one that i need to and one i'd like to. but one i'll save for tomorrow.

this week was my birthday - i love birthdays. i get very excited for mine and i love celebrating others. i usually build up my expectations and am sorely disappointed. 

this year i got to experience the birthday train in all it's glory. it was quite fun! i got to go out to dinner with a very good friend c on monday, we started the tradition the first year we spend a birthday being friends together four years ago. it's so much fun. we go out, have dinner and TALK. man can we talk!!! 

then thursday my actual birthday my parents took me out for dinner and we exchanged presents and that was really nice. i was sick, actually sick all week so it was dampened by that but i really enjoyed my time with them.

then friday my old small group gathered and we had dinner and then went to a local show where my room mate opened and dana little played. that was really fun, dinner like always with those girls was hilarious. the concert was crowded but i got to catch up with some people i hadn't seen in years. 

at my the concert my best friend joined us and from the concert (one small group friend left) we went to my favorite martini bar! i love going there and always have fun. we had a goofy waiter and told funny stories, LAUGHED a lot and shared our lives with each other. I am so thankful that those friend melded together as well as they did.

saturday i woke up late, was rushed gathering things but then i usually am when i host things. my wonderful dear, loud friend n came to visit before my official birthday party saturday night. she came up and just hung out with me as we hadn't seen each other in over a year. nor talked really. but with her one can slip in without any hitches. i was reminded as to why i spent almost everyday with her one quarter as we laughed and talked and were completely honest with each other. we had dinner, had a crazy indian food experience and then the other guest arrived. it's funny, the people who made my night special are the people who i love dearly. i have one friend t, he's been at all my birthday's since we've been friends. when i think of birthday's i think of him. he came even though he's sick and should have been at home in bed. then there's n, she drove up from seattle, and i laughed with her like i haven't laughed with someone in awhile. then there's cb and db, i've walked an interesting path with cb, but i do love her and really enjoy being with her and tonight i relearned that in a good way! one of my small group ladies came which was so sweet and it reminded me why i am doing this painful thing of leading a d group each week. 

and then last but so not least is e. she's one of the only constants in my life. and she hasn't been in town for a birthday for a few years. it was pretty much wonderful to have her here tonight as well as yesterday. she leaves last, she helps clean up, she just is her consistent rock for me. when n said i could bring someone to the wedding, who else would i bring but e? i mean she may not like that i drag her places, but she lets me. and e. she wrote this blog about me and my birthday and i was really confused by it, and so she re wrote it and i want to respond to the new version, cause it's way better than the original. she wrote about some of her memories of our friendship and i wanted to respond/share mine. 

that bike ride was awful. 

skinnydipping off the dock SO much better than the beach. 

the defrost did not work in that car i got to drive! 

remind me of the steven curtis chapman song... 

i'm pretty sure i know which road you speak of, at least i think i have only one favorite. 

jesus the volleyball or something we took pictures with on that road trip... whatever happened to those pictures? did you ever see them? 

oh florida! 

to add to this wonderful list...

reading on that huge bed in that little room in fernburg

you speaking for me when things got hard with s and k

hayden

curried chicken tea sandwiches

book after book after book

mexico

jumping in lake whatcom after graduation

i could go on and on.

i'm very blessed. i'm feeling very blessed as this birthday train is now finally leaving the station. i have wonderful friends in my life and i have a good while weird family. i have friends who've become family. 

i'm newly 24. i hope this year is different. i pray this year is different. i'm happy to start this year with some very good friends.

super powers?

i've never thought about being a super hero, i mean who wouldn't want to fly, or spin really fast and go back in time, but I've always wondered about  being in the FBI or CIA or something like that. 

To have a job where you literally are in the face of danger and you're working to solve the problem, sounds thrilling, terrifying and so intriguing! To be a person who is so good at your job other people depend on you. To know that when the day is done you've made a tangible difference, as well as to have thought hard and used the brains and skills God's given me.

I don't often admit it out loud, but something like that, that's the kind of job I really want, hostage negotiator, trauma psychologist, counselor for FBI agents, part of the BAU. 

I know those dreams aren't realistic, but every other week or so, i dream a little.