tunnels

for me school has always been something of an nuisance. it's not that i don't like learning, I would just rather learn by life experience than through books, lectures and homework. college has been something of a challenge to me. i haven't enjoyed it much, it's hard having to pay to take classes I don't want to take and then my grades aren't always the best because in those classes i struggle to stay motivated. I'm not smart, well I am when i apply myself but i don't usually do that which is all my fault. i struggle with the feelings of inadequacy and failure most everyday when it comes to school and in college it's been amplified. 

see my sister is smart and driven which leads to a close 4.0, not exactly but points higher than mine. my brother is naturally smart, his brain crammed full of information already of things someone whose 15 usually doesn't know. and then there's me. I'm the sensitive, musical one who cares about people, that's how i've heard them, my siblings describe me. i like people. i mean they do too but it's not what gets them up in the morning. for me school has always been about the relationships i can build and grow by being in class each day. in high school i got through school because I could care and learn about people. college - it's been harder to do that, classes are larger, you don't really have time in class to get to know people it's all outside of class which makes things much harder. 

school has felt, or rather college has felt like a tunnel for me. five years ago i took a deep breathe and i haven't been able to let it out yet. i've been running though this tunnel now for five years, at times it was a walk, and for a few quarters there i was at a complete stand still. this last year and a half i've been in a new program and I have been running and as I get closer to the end the pressure and amount of work is ramping up and therefore i am currently sprinting. and honestly I don't know if i'll make it to the finish line. I'm trying to run so hard in this moment that i feel as i did in 7th grade at our middle school retreat. I was running then too, literally running in a game called "scream and run" the point was you could run as long as you were screaming and you could only take one breathe. Well i'd won earlier so i was out to prove i could win again, i started screaming and running and suddenly i was falling slowly forward and sliding on the asphalt. not fun i tell you and right now I feel that downward slow sense of falling and sliding, this time if I crash I won't leave a nasty scar on my knee, i'll once again fail at school.

this week is going to be very difficult as I will be doing hours of homework everyday, it's not going to be fun. it's going to be very hard. thinking of it makes me shake. but i've done all 26 quizzes and i started on wednesday, did no work on thursday, so i'm pretty proud of that, and oh I got 100% on all of them! now I just have to write two papers and create a creative, informative poster and prepare a 20 minute discussion. this all by friday, and that's not evening mentioning what I have to get done by july. there may be a light at the tunnel but it's faint and I'm in need of an oxygen tank or at least someone to buddy breathe with.

poconos

Okay i don't even know if that is how you spell it. but on friends season one Rachel dates this Italian guy and she's trying to say that city name so that he can say, (he doesn't speak much english) and she says it like "poke a nose".

well my favorite thing about my puppy is her nose. It's tiny compared to my other dog's and his is almost always cold and wet and he really doesn't like you to touch it. But my puppy, well she's different from Ted in almost every way so it makes sense that her nose is not always cold and wet, and she lets me touch it as much as I want. and when i touch it, it's more of a "poke a nose" - and I say that to her as I "poke" her, she's unbelievably cute and her nose is adorable. 

A few days ago i was at my best friends house and one of her dogs was laying on his back paws in the air taking in the moment. Her dad asked me why I thought he might be laying like that, I said miss does it whenever she's feeling really content and relaxed. 

She did that this afternoon after I'd spent some time playing with her and her bear (her favorite toy) and I'd rubbed her tummy, she as content. The look of love and delight was obvious on her face and just this morning she had been bummed cause I hadn't taken her outside. 

i wonder, do I show my contentment and delight? Do i take the time to live in that moment of peace and joy? I find myself frustrated with myself and life often these days. I'm not in a relationship and no where near one, I can't seem to learn financial responsibility and i can't seem to get off my butt and work out - wii fit here i come!

I hope that as I enter this holiday season, as I take time to reflect and see my life for who Christ has made me, I can have that time laying on my back arms open in God's love - content and relaxed in him. 

christ - mas

i've just created a playlist for my itunes called "desperate for christmas". that's how i feel currently, i want that music pouring through me. i desire to feel the power that those notes and words bring me. it feels weird playing christmas music in october, i mean i haven't even craved my pumpkin yet. but the words of rest? of peace? of jesus? those don't feel weird, those feel comforting. those feel real. those feel right.

i am looking forward to the time of year where i can be very intentional in preparing my heart for Christ's birth. i am looking forward to the still of winter, to the dying of that around me. I am looking forward to the smell of turkey and the joy of ornaments. of cutting a tree and the "fight" that always happens. it used to genuinely happen, now i think there are some in my family that make sure it happens! :) the traditions both silly and serious. of the crisp mornings where i can breathe deeply in the wonder that is jesus' birthday. 

"i need a silent night, I need a holy night" 

the peace of the upcoming season is something that I'm looking forward to and looking forward to carrying with me past the season.

the smell of holly and the twinkle of lights and the little red, squirmy baby in a feeding trough. that's why i'm listening to christmas music this evening.  

strangeness of this day

THURSDAY

the strangeness of this day.

 

to start off I got less than four hours of sleep last night. that’s not usual.

 

I was asked to go the doctors with them by one adult and then when we got there the other adult said for me to wait in the waiting room. so I sat in the waiting room reading weird old people magazines and listening to the strangest waiting room music ever.

 

I squeezed fresh orange juice – over 30 oranges cut in half, so over 60 halves each requiring two to three pulls on the handle. I forgot to switch arms so Im guess I’ll have a sore right shoulder tomorrow.

 

and last but not least (well the day’s not over quite yet) I saw my grandpa reading a playboy. yuck.

 

when I think Italian I think pasta and pizza and big portions…. what do you think? we went to an Italian place tonight and my dish was three noodles. yeah. not full. not Italian.

 

margot came home with Ocean’s 12 today and wanted to watch it, I asked if she’d since Ocean’s 11, they hadn’t so I suggested they might enjoy 12 if we rented 11 first. but alas we got to the pinch part and the movie froze, nothing I did fixed it. so tomorrow the plan is to watch both and to give L a haircut.

 

we’re all in bed before 1am, whoo hoo go us. geesh I’m too old for this.

flashback

when i first met her, i didn't like her one bit. it was always such a big deal whenever she came the youth leader would rave and rave. i came every week and nothing was said about that. at least not that i can remember. 

then came high school and somehow or rather because we're in the same grade we were in small group together. and we happened to be the only two who ever showed up and suddenly a friendship was born. we were 15 and together as much as possible. it was harder then cause we couldn't drive and she didn't live in town. plus she played basketball religiously! :) 

but we made it work. we were both involved at church and with our youth group and we spent the majority of our time together. we weren't crazy or even that exciting, we spent our time talking (me talking), reading books ( our own, silently next to each other), watching tv or movies and observing the other clean their rooms. that's what we did those four years of high school. 

i mean we had fun things thrown in every once in awhile, like going to senior prom together (with boys from youth group), teepeeing people's houses (our associate pastor for one), we had a great time but it was usually pretty mellow. 

we are in fact very different, one might say complete opposites but we get along. i talk, she listens, i see detail, she sees big picture, i'm super sensitive, she's like a duck (it just rolls off her back - drives me crazy!) :)

a couple nights ago i sat on my best friends bed (super comfy - very grown up bed) and watched her clean her room. she's back in town for the first time for more than a couple of weeks for awhile (so wonderful - too bad she's unemployed!) i of course was looking at the books she had and was not really paying attention to her cleaning job. when suddenly she shows me this super ugly hat and then sets off a very loud bell of some sort (she couldn't shut it off for minutes i swear). i laughed so hard i had tears running down my face. 

and how sweet that moment was, for now ten years later once again we can be ourselves together without expectations and simply be the odd best friends that we are. how thankful i am that though we've had our moments and struggles we're still there sitting on each other's beds watching the other clean! :)

okay i'm still a planner. :)

white knuckles

i used to be a planner, key word, used. when i was in middle school and high school i found my worth with knowing all the details and being hyper organized plus i had a memory as sharp as a tack. and then i got sick and became jesus' friend rather than someone who only knew sunday school answers. slowly i found worth in myself (not perfect there by far) and lost the need to know all the details all the time and slowly became much more disorganized. and i forget where i put stuff all the time, that memory isn't quite as bright. 

and yet, i still plan. i know what i want at my wedding (scary huh?) i know that i want to be an intern next year at the inn. i know i want to be  married and sooner than later. my plan was that'd i'd be married by now for at least a year. that's not happened and that hurts. it hurts when those big plans, i have so many little plans, but those little things i seem to let go of better when asked, but the big ones... i grasp so tightly my fingers turn white.

last time i wrote i spoke of a little red house and my dreams. my dreams of having a home of my own and being a relationship, my dream of being married. 

i spoke to someone today who said they'd read my post and had thought about it. she said something that while is resonated with me it caused me a great amount of fear. she said that often our visions, we need to let die, we need to give them to God let them be crucified and allow them to stay in the grave until Christ resurrects them for us when he's ready to have them be resurrected in our life. 

i almost started crying. she mentioned my dream of a little red house. i don't want that little red house anymore. from the time i wrote last that dream has slowly be taken from my hands without pain. i don't need it anymore and i don't need that dream, i'm coming to understand that my dream of owning a home NOW isn't what God has in his plan and i'm honestly okay with it. i can wait, i get now that's he's asking me to wait and i'm okay. really.

but. i am not okay with letting my dream of a relationship now die. to give that vision to Christ, to say i'll let you take care of this, i'll wait for you to decide. scares me to death. what if i say i'll let you have this dream. i'll let you have this deepest desire of my heart and you say, no. i don't know if i can handle it.

these last few months i've cried easily and often. i tear up over everything and anything. i hurt all the time and i'm lonely and scared of letting my vision slip into the ground. into that grave and gone forever. when i asked if that dream will be given back to me i can't hear the answer and i think that might be because i have my fingers jammed in my ears so tightly for fear of the answer. 

part of me wants to let go because i want to have the faith that he loves me enough that the big picture is bigger than i can see, but oh the fear. my prayer now is that he can gently take dream as his took the other - almost without me even knowing it. 

my fingers may be in pain from holding onto my dream so tightly and my stomach may be in knots for fear of letting go but the idea to loosen that grip makes me squeeze even tighter. 

dreams.

today my parents and i went on a walk and my dad having the access that he has as a relator brought his handy dandy key to open lock boxes. there's this little red house near my parents house that has been on the market now for two years. a year ago when my mother and i started talking about me buying a house we looked at it from the outside and she dreamed a little about what could be done to it. 

random odd side note - my parents during their brief courtship bonded over architecture and houses. they'd go on walks and talk about the houses they liked and didn't like and what they'd have done differently. this is something they continued in their marriage, discussing houses and floor plans and what they think works and doesn't work. it boggles my mind that they don't ever do anything they talk about in our own house but it's something and may be one of the few things that they share a love for. and they've given it to me. and i can share and be with them in that adventure. though i am more prone to want to actually do something after talking about it. :)

so tonight we went on a walk and my dad decided to bring his electronic key and he'd show me the house. for all the angst he showed me when i wanted to buy a house this spring he still tells me about the houses he sees in my price range and he still lets me dream. this little red house is cute from the outside. a site of a future private elementary school sits on one side and little house on the other. it's on a quiet block in the area of town i love. the front yard is small and not fenced but the back yard is huge with fruit trees and small flower gardens. there's a little detached garage that connects to the house with a covered patio/walkway. all i knew of the house before going tonight was the kitchen looking in looked disastrous. and it was. 

walking in i smelled the smell of old shut in houses, i knew the windows hadn't been opened in the house for years. the living room has dark gray carpet and i kneel to see if there's hardwood underneath, and yes being an old house there's beautiful wood below. as i walk into the kitchen my eyes are assaulted by the hideous yellow linoleum and the very strange arrangement of stove, washer and dryer plus fridge. the room itself it quite large but weirdly configured and unpleasant. 

my dad and i wander through the door out to the patio and i see steps going down, i hesitantly follow them into a pitch black basement made of horror movies. i quickly leave, there's nothing down there and it's great storage i tell myself. my dad didn't even follow, his only comment was "scary basement." we wander back into the house to find a very pink full bath without a shower. lame i say. and then a bedroom with a nice walk in closet. I wander back out to the living room and then into a different bedroom which turns out to be the master since it has it's own full bath with shower! yay! plus a huge closet. i slowly start to imagine my things there. where would i put my couch? what paint colors would i choose?

my dad and i discuss the awful kitchen and he says you'd just have to start over, there's plenty of space to work with, why not just completely change it. he's not thinking of me really just in general. but i start to dream.

i dream of painting the floor in the kitchen, yes i know paint the floor? i read a recent article about it and fell in love with the idea. i'd have an island and bar with stools. i'd move the washer and dryer out of the kitchen and have a mud room where the entrance to the  horror basement is. 

the pink bath room wouldn't be too bad, the pink tile could be painted over and the wall color changed. a shower would have to be routed in but that couldn't be too hard, could it? she asks naively. i can see my bedroom with my bed just so and my dresser by the door. and the dining room with my table and chairs with their bright cushions. 

it's a little home with not all that much room but a home in itself with so much potential for growth and personalization. the fence in the front that i'd build (i'd? maybe, most likely not.). 

it's been hard this year being 23. i know in the big scheme of things that's not old, i understand that i have so much time left. my heart hurts for my dreams. my dream of owning my own home. not this condo i'm stuck in without options, held back by well meaning parents and grandparents.  i sound so spoiled. i guess i am. 

my heart aches for a relationship, for a man to hold me, to love me. for a man who i can be a wife to, who will be my husband. i thought i'd be married now and getting to live that dream and deepest desire of my heart. i don't want babies yet but how i long to be in marriage and have that confidence that i'm with a man with whom i can have babies with. 

i'm lonely these days. i feel so far away from where i want to be. with no ideas of how to get there. with no whispers of peace from God. my heart and stomach roll with the fear that those dreams will never be fulfilled. there is a terror that i'm found wanting. that i'm lacking in some area to still be so far away from where i so desperately want to be. i feel as though a part of me is missing. i'm incomplete and undone. my prayer is that i can be closer to God who feels so distant and yet it's hard to understand why this deep desire still hasn't been met. i struggle with this loving God when i feel so unloved by him. i struggle to understand and to seek when i hurt and feel as though he could take this hurt away if he wanted. 

i have dreams and today walking through that house made those dreams shine so brightly in my eyes i can barely see.

lil' update

i haven't blogged in a long time.

opps. sorry about that.

so here's a little update. let's take it step by step.

june: preschool ended - miss the little buggers, i get really excited whenever i see any of them! :) my favorite thing from the last couple weeks (other than the amazing gifts i got!) was isaac saying "i'd follow you to africa miss christine, i really would." awww. 

went on a partial date.... hummm. not sure i enjoy these. plus makes me once again contemplate the fact that there is no boy in my life which i'd really like.

sat around on my bum for awhile trying to find a job. got hired at pier one. spent money at pier one. 

started working and the weather got nicer.

july: had the insane idea to send my best friend 23 things for her 23rd birthday - that was crazy, bite off a little more than i could chew.

finished my favorite class at trinity to date. didn't enjoy the topic-love the teacher. got an "a" on my final paper (which was the final) and got and "a" on my hour long presentation. pretty stocked about that.

went "camping" or rather spent and evening and night and the following morning in a tiny cabin at this state park. cool, except i had to sleep on the floor being the youngest. it was my "aunts" and my mom and my "cousin" and i. camping was during my "summer" from trinity, or two tuesdays. 

got to go on a spur of the moment trip to hayden!!!!! cause i had five days off in a row, wonderful to be there though the weather wasn't the best! read some good books, had a great time with my cousins who i never get to see. and chased my dog all over the place. and got hired by starbucks!!! whooo hooo!!!

dad and brother got back from a mission trip to mexico and it was so cool to see how excited they were about the trip and their experience and how much they want to return!

worked a bunch and then the last week of july hurt my back pretty bad at work. so i've been off for the last week now. 

august: found out i no longer have a room mate. a little bitter about that. life is hard right now.

class tomorrow, very excited for that as i missed the first session as i was too drugged to pay attention. 

then wednesday i go to hayden again and meet up with my family for a few days. i am excited about this! i have really missed not being there the last few days while they've already been there. makes me sad. 

that's the recap. maybe i'll have the emotional strength to go into my sadness later. right now my back is killing me and i need to take meds. back pain is which crappy.

adjustment to last post

*my dad SAYS i should grow up.... not that he needs to grow up!

copy cat

i'm going to copy another blog i read today, not sure if they'll be negative but some things just ya know random about me...

1. I'm Lazy... i like - i mean i really enjoy doing nothing, sitting on my couch, watching tv, taking naps, reading for hours.... i don't think it's a negative but there are some in my life that do.

2. I get obsessed with things - like buying all of an entire series right away, books or dvds, eating the same food from the same place.... it can get kinda crazy... last one was port of subs... :)

3. I'm terrified of cops - i know they're the good guys but when they're behind me i have panic attacks - seriously, i do. 

4. i am horrible with money - yeah i don't think i need to say more, i'm just BAD with money.

5. i talk a lot - i can run on and on, i just love to talk

6. i can get frustrated, easily - little things can drive me crazy, the way someone breaths, or how loud someone is chewing, i guess i should say little noises bother me a WHOLE LOT. my dad needs to grow up and not let it bother me.... but it DOES! urgh.

7. I am VERY sensitive - my tummy is, my skin is, my eyes are, my feelings are, everything about me is.... sometimes - often times it sucks!

i'll think of more... :)

jobs...

so i need a job ...

preschool has ended (well for me several years ago, teaching - the beginning of this month)

i have an interview tomorrow for a job - it's minimum wage and i doubt it has benefits...

then there's this other job it starts out paying more and i think you get benefits - the only problem is that i don't know which one to take... the first though it doesn't pay as much might be more fun, but i could really use more money.... urgh.

plus i'm suppose to try and get medical benefits cause i have to get some tests done in the next year and the first job wouldn't make that possible the second maybe....

any advice? ...

favorite foods

over the years i've had very different favorite foods - or at least i had different favorite foods that i told people about because ya know that's what i thought my favorite foods were- for example i've said pizza, port-a-subs, peanut sauce from on rice, black tea lemonades from starbucks, the list goes on and on. but i've begun to realize that while i do still LOVE these foods, they aren't my favorite really.

my first word was "pickle" (we have it on video!!)  and yes from that day it's been one of my favorites - i eat them by themselves, or in tuna - but only dill... my new favorite is dill potato chips - combines two of the favorites!! :)

then there's onions - i love them! on salads, burgers, fried - they're the best! 

potatoes - love 'em! as fries, twice baked, fried! fried with onions is my favorite!

the other day i had potato leek soup and a sandwich that came with a pickle! i delighted, my three favorite things!

i mean i still LOVE black tea lemonade and once i get a job again i'll be getting it all the time... :) and salads from on rice by far the best thing on the menu! and cheese pizza with white garlic sauce from pipeline is sooo good. and coke and malibu always a good option... 

off to eat more dill pickle chips! YUM

insecurities

today has not been a productive day.  now i don't know if i've titled this the right way, but one of the things i dislike about myself the most is that i can be lazy. i guess that's not something i'm insecure more that i just don't like it about myself. i don't know though. 

i could go on and on about how crappy i feel and how if i move i feel as though i am going to throw up. but still, there are many things i could have done like write in my blog :), i have at least two letters that i need to be writing, actually three.  i need to write a cover letter for my job application, i need to write a letter to a friend, i've composed it in my head several times and have yet to get in down on paper. i have to write a letter to my grandpa telling him about selling my condo and looking to buy a new house and to see if he'd help me do so. i'm really scared to write that letter. i've been stressed out all week about my condo not selling, me not getting a job and basically once again be stuck in life not doing the things i really want. 

okay so i think i really am going to throw up now, i've been sitting up too long apparently so i'm gonna go, but at least i wrote in my blog. :)

productive?

productive? ... i think not.

today i did nothing. 

well i ate food. but other than that... nothin'.

before i go to bed i might manage to clean something, or something. 

tomorrow my old youth pastor is speaking at my old church. i don't really want to go but i said i would. it will be interesting. i haven't heard him speak in a couple years, not since i lived with him. i'm a little scared, i have a huge fear of watching people i know speak or perform. i get panic attacks and can't sit still. it's going to be a painful experience. urgh. must go to bed because otherwise i won't want to get up. and then i'll have let people down and i hate that. i seem to do that a lot. 

well this is a random post.

bye

oh and it snowed today.

today was just weird. weird i tell ya.

grandfather

i've heard that a child reflects their parents. praise Jesus (seriously) that my father is NOT his father. i'm so glad that my daddy has worked hard to not be his father. 

i spent the week with my dad's dad. he is the hardest person i've ever dealt with and now he's sick which makes him even more difficult. 

I don't know how i'll be begin to process the adventure with him in a healthy non-complaining way, but it will have to happen. 

I know that as his granddaughter i want to listen to him, no matter how many times he tells the same story. I want to honor his memories and i want to be that listener because i know he doesn't have anyone listening to him anymore. 

but he's memory is going and he doesn't always like what i've chosen to do with my life, or the school i'm attending. so he tells me this over and over. and over. it hurts every time. i don't want his approval, honestly. but what i'm doing is because i feel as though i've received a call a way to go with my life. i'm passionate and i feel like - no i know that my field is valid. 

and yet every time he tells me that instead of psych i should study something real, and worthwhile, something that i could actually use in "real" life. the funny thing - the things he wants me to study, i could only be a teacher. that seems to be the only career he thinks worthwhile. he was a teacher therefore we should all be teachers. my dad got his degree in history and my dad has never let him forget that he then didn't become a history professor. 

the hardest part of my relationship with my grandfather is that he says all these wonderful things, that he loves me, that he thinks i'm pretty (though i don't like that one because he's a dirty old man) and on and on. but his actions he initial words aren't nice or caring. he likes to toot his own horn and he never does anything for himself. he's also like my preschoolers in that he never uses please! i mean seriously!

hummm i started with this to try and not be a complaining session. but i think it has turned into one. 

good things -

i got to be in the sun yesterday

i got to see e!!!!

i got to meet e's room mate - i liked her

i brought a nifty new sweater

i watched almost two whole seasons of West Wing

i bonded with phred (standard poodle)

...

this processing is going to take awhile.

but this i know.

i'm so grateful that God is real in my father's life. that he's chosen to be in a relationship with jesus and i am beginning to see how deeply my father loves me. how much he cares about me and how hard he works to be a man worthy of being a father. he is worthy of being a father. he is a good father. he is not his father. he will never be his father.  Christ is in him so clearly and making it so that my dad treats me differently than he was treated as a child. Praise Jesus!

holy weather

i came to colorado for spring break - and i thought spring, not washington = warm weather. oh no it's colder than home. 

i packed for spring break. not winter... kinda screwed. plus i noticed tonight that my only pair of jeans is getting a hole in a place that is well not good to have a hole. 

it's going to be interesting.

tonight i talked or rather listened as my grandpa explained to me that the bible - it's not holy or divine. i don't agree and told him so, but alas he wasn't swayed. he's an opinionated man. 

it's gonna be fun.

great adventure

"saddle up your horses - we got a trail to blaze - through the wild blue yonder - of God's amazing grace - let's follow our leader - into the glorious unknown - glorious unknown - this is a life like no other - this is the great adventure!"

okay so it's not that much of an adventure and it could be sacrilegious to say this is a great adventure but it is the next three months for me and it will be an adventure... i'm going to be eating differently for the next three months, only fruit and veggies all day until dinner which is salad with a small amount of meat - chicken or tuna or maybe fish. yum. 

better lose weight.

so tonight i'm having coke. cause i can't have it again until june.

i'm also having cake, strawberries and whip cream. cause i get no yummy food until june. 

whoo hoo, hear i go.

liquid

today i painted the spare bedroom with my mom. 

there was lots of paint aka liquid.

miss got into it.

she ate rollers - tried to eat the metal prier offer thingy for the top of the paint cans - she ate part of the drop cloth - 

and she got paint all over herself. 

she is now a red and white poodle.

i then tried to cut her toe nails.

and i cut the second one too short.

there was blood aka liquid.

and now this blood, which i tried to stop by the way - is all over me.

and she sits licking her little paw because i'm a bad mom. argh.

yes there has been liquid today.

and i'm not up to reporting much more.

car seats

so have you ever gone to a pet store? prolly not if you don't own a pet. well you should. it's an experience. i have a dog, a little dog, she weighs about 8 pounds. and she's crazy. crazy energetic. a crazy sniffer and crazy in love with me. which is awesome i must say. but because of that, and the fact that i have a very hard time disciplining her, she wants to be with me at all times and has, well, sever separation  anxiety. in the car, she has to sit on my lap. which yes, that's dangerous and i shouldn't allow. so i decided to get miss a doggie car seat. yes they have them. so i went to petsmart, got her a a little car seat. yeah, it didn't work. and she choked trying to get to me which lets just say was more distracting driving than when she's sitting on my lap. and then miss and i drove across town to another pet store to see if there was a different car seat that might work better. there was. so i bought that one. yep. didn't work either. it was too big, but that didn't really matter because miss launched herself out of the seat, though she as buckled in so she was hanging out of the seat not able to breathe. let's just say it wasn't a good experience and i had to come home and fix myself a drink when i got home.

oh the funny things kids say...

the benefits of being a teacher and around small children all day is that you get the hear the ingenious things they say!

for example:

"how about a dream where we don't all die?"

If you could be king what would you do?

..."put on makeup"

..."kill the bad guy"

..."sleep all the time"

..."feed everyone" ( that's a good one)

Anne-Marie referring to sparkling apple cider - "it's a party in my tummy"

"where has everyone gone?" (anne-marie)

"i'm right here." (me) standing right in front of her.

"i can't see you!" (anne-marie)

"i'm right here anne-marie!" (me)

"oh i've been looking for you all day long!" (anne-marie)

- she's a weird one that anne-marie.

Conner: "i can run 10 mph and you can run 5 mph"

Anne - Marie brings a book called Alaska for A sharing. When asked what is was she says

"it's a book all about africa! tells you all this stuff about africa, africa and alaska!"

Miss Danielle asks the class "do you all want to go to kenya?"

Anne-Marie "uh-huh, so bad!" (she's four)

Casey in reference to his mom, he's in front of circle time, with his hands stuffed in his jean pockets. "okay guys, my mom isn't the fun parent."

an isaac interpretation... "wah" = yeah

isaac "im just so embarrassed miss christine, my hands are just so dirty."

isaac "i thought you were going to flush me!"

casey "excuse me, do you know the capital of hannah montana?"

ava "this is great! but we still need paint." - in reference to building with blocks

ava "yeah he put me in mommy's tummy through her mouth."

conner "miss danielle i'm very concerned with fire safety."

isaac "i know! there must have been some dirt in it." explaining to me why the power went out briefly during class. 

they make me smile and tear my hair out as well. 

cousin

i played with my cousin today.

she's crazy.

if she were in my preschool class, she'd be the kid on the red light all day long. 

oh well.

she's family.

i got great pictures.

and had a wonderful time with my aunt and uncle.

now i must go to bed.

that's all.

for today.

love

unconditional love.

have you ever had a dog?

i never knew i was a dog person, i actually i thought i wasn't a dog person. to be completely honest dog, big dogs especially freak me out. i'm very scared of them. 

i used to think my best friend was crazy (no offense) cause she loved her dogs so much. 

and then.

my family got teddy. he's the best dog ever. he's so kind. he's so intuitive. he loves us so much. he's my dad's dog but has a good connection and solid relationship with all of us. 

then i got my puppy. well she's a hellion. crazy to be specific. but i love her. and she LOVES me. i'm gone for a minute to take out the trash and she wiggles with excitement that i'm here. 

at night while i watch tv or read she lays on my couch and chews on her bone, she's so cute that my heart hurts that i love her so much. 

she's wonderful and i love her so much!

i'm still afraid of dogs. but whenever i see a dog anywhere my heart swells and i'm so glad to see them. any dog. 

dream

so my friend, my very wise, best friend gave me some sage advice. she said when i lost the house i wanted to get that i should dream of my "perfect" house. now since i get to look for a house i've started dreaming. i know that i won't get my "perfect" house since i have no money and am looking for a little house since i'm single and without kids. but there are a few things that are none negotiable. and then there are things some things that i would just love to have and some that will just spill out... :)

french doors

non galley style kitchen *** have to have it

fenced yard *** have to have it 

2 baths

3 bedrooms

master on the 1st floor

lots of windows and big ones

hardwood floors

window seat

window over the kitchen sink

island in the kitchen

open floor plan

tiled shower with "rain" faucet

wains coating on the walls

chair railing as well

character! :)

arched doorways

deck

well i thought there was more, maybe that's a good thing... 

gray's not my favorite color

gray is not my favorite color contrary to a song by barlow girl.

it washes my complexion out. 

but today is a gray day.

i have lots of gray days - i have depression and it's not uncommon for me to feel down in the dumps.

but today is a sad gray day. 

i don't usually get these kinds.

don't get me wrong i have many things to be grateful for, and i'm trying to hard to focus on that. 

i just got back from small group with girls who love me. 

i was greeted by a puppy whom loves me unconditionally, no matter how many times i yell at her to stop barking. 

i had a HOT shower, with good smelling soap - listening to a mix i recently made myself at full volume.

i get to put my condo on the market and buy a house which i've wanted to do for a couple years now!

i can go on and on.

but i'm sad - someone i love is estranged from his family. a family i care deeply about, whom are basically my second parents. this person was large significant part of my growing up years. my family and his, we have traditions and we spend time together. no longer is he apart of his family, for complicated and yet such simple reasons. and because he's no longer apart of his family, he's made me no longer apart of his family as well. 

i stood in the shower this evening, willing the tears to come. and instead there's just a dry ache. i simply said "jesus" over and over. the pain, that his family feels. the pain that he feels. i can't comprehend and it leaves me broken. hurting and broken. where do i turn, what do i say to either party? to be brutally honest with myself i have to admit that someday i want to be apart of this family by marriage and if that happens... will i be forced to take sides? could i take sides? will there still be sides? oh how i hope and pray there won't. 

tonight at small group we read apart of lamentations, 

"his steadfast loves endures, his mercies are new every morning, great is his faithfulness." i plan to cling to that. cling as the tears fear down my face. cling as the ache continues to build and to burn. cling as i pray for my friend. for my family. for my future family. 

i dream of this

there's this little house in the "country" that i've fallen in love with... i dream of it at night, i think of where i would put my things... i love it. i simple, love, love it.

sang

i sang tonight.
by myself.
just me.
at the inn.
in front of oh couple hundred people.
i get big. big butterfly's every time.
every time i do that.
people say my speaking voice is different than my singing one.
i wouldn't know.
they sound the same to me.
but what i do know is that the thing i treasure the most about myself is my voice.
my singing voice.
my speaking voice.
my metaphorical voice.
the comment that changed my life.
literally.
was about my voice.
a man who i admire greatly from my home church.
whose voice was powerful and strong.
whose voice spoke the words of jesus and made you shiver.
he told after i spoke in front of church.
after i read something.
i didn't sing - though he alluded to that.
i spoke.
he told me.
that voice.
that voice has the power to change.
i hope i hear that voice changing the world.
jack changed my life.
he made me view who i am in a completely different way.
and very time i get to use my voice in front of others.
or in those real conversations.
i feel it.
i feel what God said through jack.
i pray that i can always honor and please Christ.
with my voice.

songs

we sing a lot of songs at preschool...

sunday, monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday, there are seven days, there are seven days, there are seven days of the week.

what's the weather? what's the weather? what's the weather like today? tell us (insert child's name here) what's the weather, what's the weather like today?

everybody knows i love my toes, everybody knows i love my toes, i love my ears, my eyes, my mouth and nose but everyone knows i love my toes!

if i was a butterfly i thank you lord for giving me wings, and if i was a robin in a tree, i thank you lord that i can sing, if I was a fuzzy wuzzy bear, i thank you lord for my fuzzy, wuzzy hair, but i just thank you for father for making me, me. cause you gave me a heart and you gave me a smile you gave me jesus and you made me your child, i just thank you father for making me, me. and so on.

and our goodbye song...
goodbye (insert child's name), goodbye (insert next childs name), goodbye (insert third child's name), so glad you came today... and continue on through the whole circle until you've named each kid and the teachers! :)