tunnels

for me school has always been something of an nuisance. it's not that i don't like learning, I would just rather learn by life experience than through books, lectures and homework. college has been something of a challenge to me. i haven't enjoyed it much, it's hard having to pay to take classes I don't want to take and then my grades aren't always the best because in those classes i struggle to stay motivated. I'm not smart, well I am when i apply myself but i don't usually do that which is all my fault. i struggle with the feelings of inadequacy and failure most everyday when it comes to school and in college it's been amplified. 

see my sister is smart and driven which leads to a close 4.0, not exactly but points higher than mine. my brother is naturally smart, his brain crammed full of information already of things someone whose 15 usually doesn't know. and then there's me. I'm the sensitive, musical one who cares about people, that's how i've heard them, my siblings describe me. i like people. i mean they do too but it's not what gets them up in the morning. for me school has always been about the relationships i can build and grow by being in class each day. in high school i got through school because I could care and learn about people. college - it's been harder to do that, classes are larger, you don't really have time in class to get to know people it's all outside of class which makes things much harder. 

school has felt, or rather college has felt like a tunnel for me. five years ago i took a deep breathe and i haven't been able to let it out yet. i've been running though this tunnel now for five years, at times it was a walk, and for a few quarters there i was at a complete stand still. this last year and a half i've been in a new program and I have been running and as I get closer to the end the pressure and amount of work is ramping up and therefore i am currently sprinting. and honestly I don't know if i'll make it to the finish line. I'm trying to run so hard in this moment that i feel as i did in 7th grade at our middle school retreat. I was running then too, literally running in a game called "scream and run" the point was you could run as long as you were screaming and you could only take one breathe. Well i'd won earlier so i was out to prove i could win again, i started screaming and running and suddenly i was falling slowly forward and sliding on the asphalt. not fun i tell you and right now I feel that downward slow sense of falling and sliding, this time if I crash I won't leave a nasty scar on my knee, i'll once again fail at school.

this week is going to be very difficult as I will be doing hours of homework everyday, it's not going to be fun. it's going to be very hard. thinking of it makes me shake. but i've done all 26 quizzes and i started on wednesday, did no work on thursday, so i'm pretty proud of that, and oh I got 100% on all of them! now I just have to write two papers and create a creative, informative poster and prepare a 20 minute discussion. this all by friday, and that's not evening mentioning what I have to get done by july. there may be a light at the tunnel but it's faint and I'm in need of an oxygen tank or at least someone to buddy breathe with.

poconos

Okay i don't even know if that is how you spell it. but on friends season one Rachel dates this Italian guy and she's trying to say that city name so that he can say, (he doesn't speak much english) and she says it like "poke a nose".

well my favorite thing about my puppy is her nose. It's tiny compared to my other dog's and his is almost always cold and wet and he really doesn't like you to touch it. But my puppy, well she's different from Ted in almost every way so it makes sense that her nose is not always cold and wet, and she lets me touch it as much as I want. and when i touch it, it's more of a "poke a nose" - and I say that to her as I "poke" her, she's unbelievably cute and her nose is adorable. 

A few days ago i was at my best friends house and one of her dogs was laying on his back paws in the air taking in the moment. Her dad asked me why I thought he might be laying like that, I said miss does it whenever she's feeling really content and relaxed. 

She did that this afternoon after I'd spent some time playing with her and her bear (her favorite toy) and I'd rubbed her tummy, she as content. The look of love and delight was obvious on her face and just this morning she had been bummed cause I hadn't taken her outside. 

i wonder, do I show my contentment and delight? Do i take the time to live in that moment of peace and joy? I find myself frustrated with myself and life often these days. I'm not in a relationship and no where near one, I can't seem to learn financial responsibility and i can't seem to get off my butt and work out - wii fit here i come!

I hope that as I enter this holiday season, as I take time to reflect and see my life for who Christ has made me, I can have that time laying on my back arms open in God's love - content and relaxed in him.