tunnels

for me school has always been something of an nuisance. it's not that i don't like learning, I would just rather learn by life experience than through books, lectures and homework. college has been something of a challenge to me. i haven't enjoyed it much, it's hard having to pay to take classes I don't want to take and then my grades aren't always the best because in those classes i struggle to stay motivated. I'm not smart, well I am when i apply myself but i don't usually do that which is all my fault. i struggle with the feelings of inadequacy and failure most everyday when it comes to school and in college it's been amplified. 

see my sister is smart and driven which leads to a close 4.0, not exactly but points higher than mine. my brother is naturally smart, his brain crammed full of information already of things someone whose 15 usually doesn't know. and then there's me. I'm the sensitive, musical one who cares about people, that's how i've heard them, my siblings describe me. i like people. i mean they do too but it's not what gets them up in the morning. for me school has always been about the relationships i can build and grow by being in class each day. in high school i got through school because I could care and learn about people. college - it's been harder to do that, classes are larger, you don't really have time in class to get to know people it's all outside of class which makes things much harder. 

school has felt, or rather college has felt like a tunnel for me. five years ago i took a deep breathe and i haven't been able to let it out yet. i've been running though this tunnel now for five years, at times it was a walk, and for a few quarters there i was at a complete stand still. this last year and a half i've been in a new program and I have been running and as I get closer to the end the pressure and amount of work is ramping up and therefore i am currently sprinting. and honestly I don't know if i'll make it to the finish line. I'm trying to run so hard in this moment that i feel as i did in 7th grade at our middle school retreat. I was running then too, literally running in a game called "scream and run" the point was you could run as long as you were screaming and you could only take one breathe. Well i'd won earlier so i was out to prove i could win again, i started screaming and running and suddenly i was falling slowly forward and sliding on the asphalt. not fun i tell you and right now I feel that downward slow sense of falling and sliding, this time if I crash I won't leave a nasty scar on my knee, i'll once again fail at school.

this week is going to be very difficult as I will be doing hours of homework everyday, it's not going to be fun. it's going to be very hard. thinking of it makes me shake. but i've done all 26 quizzes and i started on wednesday, did no work on thursday, so i'm pretty proud of that, and oh I got 100% on all of them! now I just have to write two papers and create a creative, informative poster and prepare a 20 minute discussion. this all by friday, and that's not evening mentioning what I have to get done by july. there may be a light at the tunnel but it's faint and I'm in need of an oxygen tank or at least someone to buddy breathe with.