insecurities

today has not been a productive day.  now i don't know if i've titled this the right way, but one of the things i dislike about myself the most is that i can be lazy. i guess that's not something i'm insecure more that i just don't like it about myself. i don't know though. 

i could go on and on about how crappy i feel and how if i move i feel as though i am going to throw up. but still, there are many things i could have done like write in my blog :), i have at least two letters that i need to be writing, actually three.  i need to write a cover letter for my job application, i need to write a letter to a friend, i've composed it in my head several times and have yet to get in down on paper. i have to write a letter to my grandpa telling him about selling my condo and looking to buy a new house and to see if he'd help me do so. i'm really scared to write that letter. i've been stressed out all week about my condo not selling, me not getting a job and basically once again be stuck in life not doing the things i really want. 

okay so i think i really am going to throw up now, i've been sitting up too long apparently so i'm gonna go, but at least i wrote in my blog. :)

productive?

productive? ... i think not.

today i did nothing. 

well i ate food. but other than that... nothin'.

before i go to bed i might manage to clean something, or something. 

tomorrow my old youth pastor is speaking at my old church. i don't really want to go but i said i would. it will be interesting. i haven't heard him speak in a couple years, not since i lived with him. i'm a little scared, i have a huge fear of watching people i know speak or perform. i get panic attacks and can't sit still. it's going to be a painful experience. urgh. must go to bed because otherwise i won't want to get up. and then i'll have let people down and i hate that. i seem to do that a lot. 

well this is a random post.

bye

oh and it snowed today.

today was just weird. weird i tell ya.

grandfather

i've heard that a child reflects their parents. praise Jesus (seriously) that my father is NOT his father. i'm so glad that my daddy has worked hard to not be his father. 

i spent the week with my dad's dad. he is the hardest person i've ever dealt with and now he's sick which makes him even more difficult. 

I don't know how i'll be begin to process the adventure with him in a healthy non-complaining way, but it will have to happen. 

I know that as his granddaughter i want to listen to him, no matter how many times he tells the same story. I want to honor his memories and i want to be that listener because i know he doesn't have anyone listening to him anymore. 

but he's memory is going and he doesn't always like what i've chosen to do with my life, or the school i'm attending. so he tells me this over and over. and over. it hurts every time. i don't want his approval, honestly. but what i'm doing is because i feel as though i've received a call a way to go with my life. i'm passionate and i feel like - no i know that my field is valid. 

and yet every time he tells me that instead of psych i should study something real, and worthwhile, something that i could actually use in "real" life. the funny thing - the things he wants me to study, i could only be a teacher. that seems to be the only career he thinks worthwhile. he was a teacher therefore we should all be teachers. my dad got his degree in history and my dad has never let him forget that he then didn't become a history professor. 

the hardest part of my relationship with my grandfather is that he says all these wonderful things, that he loves me, that he thinks i'm pretty (though i don't like that one because he's a dirty old man) and on and on. but his actions he initial words aren't nice or caring. he likes to toot his own horn and he never does anything for himself. he's also like my preschoolers in that he never uses please! i mean seriously!

hummm i started with this to try and not be a complaining session. but i think it has turned into one. 

good things -

i got to be in the sun yesterday

i got to see e!!!!

i got to meet e's room mate - i liked her

i brought a nifty new sweater

i watched almost two whole seasons of West Wing

i bonded with phred (standard poodle)

...

this processing is going to take awhile.

but this i know.

i'm so grateful that God is real in my father's life. that he's chosen to be in a relationship with jesus and i am beginning to see how deeply my father loves me. how much he cares about me and how hard he works to be a man worthy of being a father. he is worthy of being a father. he is a good father. he is not his father. he will never be his father.  Christ is in him so clearly and making it so that my dad treats me differently than he was treated as a child. Praise Jesus!

holy weather

i came to colorado for spring break - and i thought spring, not washington = warm weather. oh no it's colder than home. 

i packed for spring break. not winter... kinda screwed. plus i noticed tonight that my only pair of jeans is getting a hole in a place that is well not good to have a hole. 

it's going to be interesting.

tonight i talked or rather listened as my grandpa explained to me that the bible - it's not holy or divine. i don't agree and told him so, but alas he wasn't swayed. he's an opinionated man. 

it's gonna be fun.