strangeness of this day

THURSDAY

the strangeness of this day.

 

to start off I got less than four hours of sleep last night. that’s not usual.

 

I was asked to go the doctors with them by one adult and then when we got there the other adult said for me to wait in the waiting room. so I sat in the waiting room reading weird old people magazines and listening to the strangest waiting room music ever.

 

I squeezed fresh orange juice – over 30 oranges cut in half, so over 60 halves each requiring two to three pulls on the handle. I forgot to switch arms so Im guess I’ll have a sore right shoulder tomorrow.

 

and last but not least (well the day’s not over quite yet) I saw my grandpa reading a playboy. yuck.

 

when I think Italian I think pasta and pizza and big portions…. what do you think? we went to an Italian place tonight and my dish was three noodles. yeah. not full. not Italian.

 

margot came home with Ocean’s 12 today and wanted to watch it, I asked if she’d since Ocean’s 11, they hadn’t so I suggested they might enjoy 12 if we rented 11 first. but alas we got to the pinch part and the movie froze, nothing I did fixed it. so tomorrow the plan is to watch both and to give L a haircut.

 

we’re all in bed before 1am, whoo hoo go us. geesh I’m too old for this.

flashback

when i first met her, i didn't like her one bit. it was always such a big deal whenever she came the youth leader would rave and rave. i came every week and nothing was said about that. at least not that i can remember. 

then came high school and somehow or rather because we're in the same grade we were in small group together. and we happened to be the only two who ever showed up and suddenly a friendship was born. we were 15 and together as much as possible. it was harder then cause we couldn't drive and she didn't live in town. plus she played basketball religiously! :) 

but we made it work. we were both involved at church and with our youth group and we spent the majority of our time together. we weren't crazy or even that exciting, we spent our time talking (me talking), reading books ( our own, silently next to each other), watching tv or movies and observing the other clean their rooms. that's what we did those four years of high school. 

i mean we had fun things thrown in every once in awhile, like going to senior prom together (with boys from youth group), teepeeing people's houses (our associate pastor for one), we had a great time but it was usually pretty mellow. 

we are in fact very different, one might say complete opposites but we get along. i talk, she listens, i see detail, she sees big picture, i'm super sensitive, she's like a duck (it just rolls off her back - drives me crazy!) :)

a couple nights ago i sat on my best friends bed (super comfy - very grown up bed) and watched her clean her room. she's back in town for the first time for more than a couple of weeks for awhile (so wonderful - too bad she's unemployed!) i of course was looking at the books she had and was not really paying attention to her cleaning job. when suddenly she shows me this super ugly hat and then sets off a very loud bell of some sort (she couldn't shut it off for minutes i swear). i laughed so hard i had tears running down my face. 

and how sweet that moment was, for now ten years later once again we can be ourselves together without expectations and simply be the odd best friends that we are. how thankful i am that though we've had our moments and struggles we're still there sitting on each other's beds watching the other clean! :)

okay i'm still a planner. :)

white knuckles

i used to be a planner, key word, used. when i was in middle school and high school i found my worth with knowing all the details and being hyper organized plus i had a memory as sharp as a tack. and then i got sick and became jesus' friend rather than someone who only knew sunday school answers. slowly i found worth in myself (not perfect there by far) and lost the need to know all the details all the time and slowly became much more disorganized. and i forget where i put stuff all the time, that memory isn't quite as bright. 

and yet, i still plan. i know what i want at my wedding (scary huh?) i know that i want to be an intern next year at the inn. i know i want to be  married and sooner than later. my plan was that'd i'd be married by now for at least a year. that's not happened and that hurts. it hurts when those big plans, i have so many little plans, but those little things i seem to let go of better when asked, but the big ones... i grasp so tightly my fingers turn white.

last time i wrote i spoke of a little red house and my dreams. my dreams of having a home of my own and being a relationship, my dream of being married. 

i spoke to someone today who said they'd read my post and had thought about it. she said something that while is resonated with me it caused me a great amount of fear. she said that often our visions, we need to let die, we need to give them to God let them be crucified and allow them to stay in the grave until Christ resurrects them for us when he's ready to have them be resurrected in our life. 

i almost started crying. she mentioned my dream of a little red house. i don't want that little red house anymore. from the time i wrote last that dream has slowly be taken from my hands without pain. i don't need it anymore and i don't need that dream, i'm coming to understand that my dream of owning a home NOW isn't what God has in his plan and i'm honestly okay with it. i can wait, i get now that's he's asking me to wait and i'm okay. really.

but. i am not okay with letting my dream of a relationship now die. to give that vision to Christ, to say i'll let you take care of this, i'll wait for you to decide. scares me to death. what if i say i'll let you have this dream. i'll let you have this deepest desire of my heart and you say, no. i don't know if i can handle it.

these last few months i've cried easily and often. i tear up over everything and anything. i hurt all the time and i'm lonely and scared of letting my vision slip into the ground. into that grave and gone forever. when i asked if that dream will be given back to me i can't hear the answer and i think that might be because i have my fingers jammed in my ears so tightly for fear of the answer. 

part of me wants to let go because i want to have the faith that he loves me enough that the big picture is bigger than i can see, but oh the fear. my prayer now is that he can gently take dream as his took the other - almost without me even knowing it. 

my fingers may be in pain from holding onto my dream so tightly and my stomach may be in knots for fear of letting go but the idea to loosen that grip makes me squeeze even tighter.