so yes, it's basically the end of march, so why am i posting on february? well i said i'd try to post each month, so i'll post today and maybe next week i'll post for march! Ha! (and yes the picture is fuzzy - i can't figure out how to get my camera to work right...)
February sucked.
it was a month of waiting, waiting desperately to hear i got into grad school. in the beginning of the month right after work i'd check the mail box... nothing. by the middle of the month i couldn't bear to check and so i'd wait inside until my room mate came home and each day she'd walk in and i'd look up hopefully and she'd say... sorry!
i didn't get in.
the world stopped turning for just one moment and then oh yes, it keeps right on going. i had a lot of support, i couldn't bear telling people out loud, so i texted a bunch of friends and family and i got some very caring texts back. and while i appreciate that, IT DID'T MEAN I GOT IN!
so this month, well February and to be honest march as well - has been a time of extreme frustration. Yes, I'm still moving to seattle, and yes I'm still going to apply for grad school. But urgh! I'm so irritated. I keep wanting to say Okay Lord, seriously, you're making me wait for this thing too?! I can't have a boy, I can't have the relationship I so want, and now I can't even have school either?! How the H is that fair??
Oh well, I'm going to keep pushing forward. I'm going to apply next winter and I'll be even better of an applicant! I'll get a better score on the MAT, I'll have more volunteer hours and I'll have that pesky stats class on my transcript. And to please my sis, I'll apply to a bunch of schools. That still fails to make right now better.
I've been looking for the silver lining, something to say thank you for. Something to give praise for. Cause right now? I don't feel it. Every week I get massages (yes, that's right, every week!) And being me, i've become friends with Shannon, I mean I spend an hour each week, and we talk the whole time, why wouldn't we be friends? She knew from the beginning I wanted to move far away, she worried that seattle wouldn't be enough distance for me, she challenged me why I wanted to go to SPU, and then the next week she listened and agreed with me on my reasons for pursuing this place instead. And she waited with me, each week asking if the letter had come, and near the end of the month she worried about me, and the stress i was carrying in my body. My pain level got to an 8 and that bothered her!
The letter came the day after I saw her, so I had a full week to process, and yet when i walked and met her eyes, I almost started crying. I didn't want to tell her, I didn't want to see her sadness for me, I knew it would be deep and difficult for her as she'd dreamed with me. I told her i didn't get in and that i was really sad, numb and lost. And then i told her, that um yes, i'll still be moving because of all the opportunities and yes, I'll apply again in just a few short 6 months. And then we moved on to talk of happier things - her school, their new house, anything to keep off depressing topic of grad school. we were nearing the end of tummy time and she said something along the lines of "ya know christine, I just want to say I'm impressed that you are moving forward, some people could or would let this devastate them and they'd give up."
I laughed, and said it's not me, for some reason I don't give up, I've had plenty of opportunities to give in. I said I have some innate inability to just let go of these dreams, i keep pushing forward. i told her, it's surprising, cause I'm lazy and emotional so you'd think i'd just say it's too much work for too much hurt - but i don't.
I'm glad that somehow God made me this way, if it's my upbringing or just the way he wired me - and I know God's the reason I'm this way. Because I was and am devastated that I didn't get in. And yet, God's put something in me, to keep pushing, to keep saying, no! I have dreams, i have desires, they're rooted in you, and I will keep going. And for that, I can genuinely in this situation, say thank you.
