saturdays

as I sit in this saturday class and look outside at the sunshine after a week of rain, it's hard to pay attention to the debate of if i agree with physician-assisted suicide. because what I feel is not liked in this classroom. i've learned more about christian narrow mindedness these past two years sitting in this classroom than i ever thought i would. 

when it comes to this topic, i have flashbacks. i'm in a bunk bed in a home of my parent's friends, the light is shining in the hall, my mom leans over and kisses me good night. she tells me she and my dad are going to the hospital to see Abby again. and that nellie and i will go with them tomorrow to see her again. She says not to worry, Janie is in the other room and we're safe. I roll over and say good night to my little sister. And then i think of that little car seat in the back seat of the car. it's got this little plastic yellow covering with flowers on it. mom had covered it with a soft dark blue slip cover so that the sticky yellow plastic didn't show. i thought it smelled funny and commented to my mother abut that. she said that both nellie and i had ridden in it, so it was good enough for abby. 

then mom asked me to help pick out a cute coming home outfit for Abby, and nellie and i thought hard about what we wanted our new little baby sister to wear home. i can't remember the outfit, I just remember the weight my mom seemed to carry around with her.  

i was so excited when i got up the next morning and went out to see my parents. I asked early on when are we going to see Abby? It was then that I noticed the atmosphere in the room, it was then that i took that step back and asked what's wrong, what's going on?

We let Abby go last night, she's with Jesus now. is that how they told me? i have no idea, i can't even remember. all i remember is the anger - you said we'd get to see her again! you said we'd see her again! we didn't get to see her again! why would you tell me i got to see her again and then let her go! why would you do that? when i think back to that moment, I'll be honest, not all that anger is gone. i still wonder at how they decided that night instead of the next day.

It was done, the rest is mainly a blur. I remember a neighbor saying she was sorry i wasn't a big sister anymore. I remember seeing another neighbor at the memorial in a dress. I remember watching my dad cry while he read at her memorial. i also remember going to every VBS held that summer in the city of bellingham. I remember watching my mother cry everyday and all day long. and i remember walking back to the swings in my yard and having Connie say, just think of it this way, you got to play here on earth and you'll get to tell her all about it and when you get to heaven she'll get to tell you all about playing up there.

Does she look down at me? Does she know I love her, that I think of her? Does she know that she's a vital part of our family even when we don't say it? Does she know I'll grieve for her the rest of my life? My little dark haired sister who had such a little time here. 

this topic of "pulling the plug" of letting someone go when you know that their life may not be worth living. it hits close to home. did my parents make the right choice? did they really have a choice? i want out of this classroom with this judgement, i'm barely holding back the tears. 

I miss you Abby.