cowboy

the rolling hills spread out before you. the grass sways - there are no houses in sight, it's just you and the land. and of course your super cute house, with drop dead gorgeous hubby, cute kids, high speed Internet and all the money you could ever need.
that's what i think of when i dream about being a ranchers wife, not of all the work or the reality of what that life would entail. because I read pioneer woman - she's pretty wonderful! and her in the middle of no where experience is not the norm. it's pretty fairy tale, at least the part she shares with her blog readers. i love her though.
my mom is convinced that i wouldn't like solitary life - um i would. i dream of having my own space, of having a large yard - and not living in a development. where miss can run and run (and come back).
I've been thinking about that space a lot lately and I've been thinking about how cowboys (okay i know that's not actually their term) brand their animals. I want my own brand. I've even looked into getting a one made, they are expensive. so then i tried to think of how to could make one. yeah right, I'm not that skilled.
you know why i want a brand? because i want to do an heart project. i'm not an artist. but lately i've been pretending. i've been trying desperately to process the crap in my life. to process once again the fact that i have had heart surgery - yes i know you are all tired of hearing about it. but i'm trying once again to move through this pain that isn't leaving, it's still there. you think it's gone, but it's not. there's still lessons to learn, there's still things I'm growing in and from. and you know what? i don't think those will ever stop. so brace yourselves people, it's my story and it's my life so just deal with it.
and that's why i need a brand. i want to burn something into paper. i want the statement those singed edges will make, i want to see the burns, the scar it will leave behind. i want to make a statement with this "art". i want to use it to grow and heal - try break up that scar tissue that's grown hard.

you have a scar that's hardened? try and massage it - does it hurt? mine do - i want them to, i want to push as hard as i can so that I can be that person I'm being called to be.