screaming

there's a beast crawling around in my chest. his nails are ripping through my being - he's screaming at me to be let out. his fiery breath sears my soul. and i want to rip my chest open to let him out. i don't want him inside me - he's yucky and gross. i want to shower and scrub and scrub until i'm raw, maybe then he'll be gone.

"let me out, you know you want to"

"let me free, you can't hold me in here any longer"

"come one just do it"

"whose it gonna hurt?"

alone in the silence of my room i scream. "RAPE!"

"RAPE." the words tear out of my throat.

"RAPE. SHE WAS RAPED." I scream out loud.

"It's not fair, why her?" I whisper.

The words rip through me. The tears fall. My body is shaking and quivering. goosebumps stand out all over my arms, shivers of cold slither over my body. No one but me has heard my scream - i've let the demon out.

It doesn't help. It's the same. It's not freeing, there was no one there to have their heart break with me. There's no one there to hold me as i scream for my friend. He still crawls around inside me. one more pain i'll hold for a friend. One more hurt that can never be let out.

that root of her pain, the depth of her tears are rooted in my breast. i'll carry it for her, i'll slowly walk beside her as we dig deep and extract that deep strangling root, we'll dig in and pry that demons grasping fingers out of her heart, out of her soul. she'll be changed forever, she'll always carry a scar - that won't just disappear as those demons fiery hands have branded her. but the growing root of bitterness and of pain, we with Christ's help - will be banished.

a friend cries in pain? their tears stream down my face.
someone calls a friend a nasty name? it sticks in my belly.

i'll walk this with her. i'll stand upright and shoulder this.

but at home, in the silence i'll curl up and scream.