this is always a weird time of year for me. we've just had christmas, my birthday is a few short days away and it's new years eve. i've never done anything that exciting on new years eve. i don't know if i can honestly say i've ever even been to a new years eve party? have i? no idea. and though it's horrifying to some (mainly my friend bethany, i don't think of new years eve as a holiday... i've always thought it academic years rather than actual years.)
looking back of 2009 i search for highlights of the year...
graduating, finally with my BA
remodeling my kitchen, finally
working at starbucks, and learning about coffee - it didn't last long but i'm very happy i got to experience it
being at a job for more than one year - that's new for me!
e moving back to town (was that technically 2008?)
nic getting married
spending time with libby (and aunt l and U)
seeing my sis more
georgous sunny mountain christmas
weekly massages and developing a relationship with shannon
having benefits again
seeing late tuesday all together live in seattle.
leading a d group and creating a senior project from it
becoming closer with some friends
growing my hair long, dying it dark and chopping it off
lowlights
still a messy girl
not consistently taking my meds and messing myself up
failing with money once again
being done with the inn
failing at working out consistently
doubting myself in relationships
not getting to see cindy very much
miss still not behaving like i'd like (my fault)
what do i want from this next year? what are my continued hopes, dreams and prayers?
I'm praying for grad school admission.
I'm praying for dedication to work out schedules and dealing with my stress.
I'm praying for patience in the plan Christ has for my life.
Oh and a puppy to be miss' friend! :)
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
wakeful
i search for words all day. I am passionate about communicating, i think communication is amazing and i like to do it. My job is talking, and I talk a lot to the people in my life who will listen. and yet I search for the written words all day. it's like there's something that's buried in my head, each morning i wake up and i can physically feel it. I can feel it just a little poking at me. It's hurts in a way, like a dull tooth ache.
As the day goes on, I try to dig at it, work at it, what is it? My fingers itch to uncover it. What are the words that I so desperately want to share with people? I open up my blog and sit and stare at the screen. I want to scream - "words come out! Stop being buried. You're in there. I know you are." Yet all that screaming does (other than frighten the people around me) is loosen another layer of whatever is holding those words down. I get home and that little nut, that's what i think of it as, a little nut buried in my soul and me clawing at it all day, that little nut, it's still stuck. My hands are raw from clawing, my fingernails bloodied and torn.
And then i get in bed. Usually past my bedtime like tonight, and the minute my head hits the pillow and i pull the chain on my bedside lamp, the nut cracks WIDE OPEN. the words and the thoughts literally pour out of my head. The sentences come together like nothing during the day. The words are all there and there are words enough to write letters, send cards, and post several blogs. It's at this point i start to toss and turn, I can't get up to write, it's past my bedtime and i need sleep. I already struggle getting up, I can't stay up and write. But oh how i want to. So I end up hoping and praying that the words will stay, the sentences not leave and the creativity that isn't there all days remains focused.
It's doesn't. It's buried once again. At times it seems buried deeper. The words have left and the sentences are gone. Yes, I can remember a glimmer of what I "wrote the evening before. I can see the fragment of where those words were taking me, but the flow and natural ease is erased.
Tonight the wind wails like a train shooting through a small town, my body physically hurts and my soul is tired. I know there's a lot to this person that I am that hasn't been discovered. I am an artist, I am gifted. The roots are there buried deep, now how do get them to burst forth in flower? To crack open in a way that's cemented rather than tossed and thrown away with the passing of night?
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
thankful: gortex
What do you think of when you think of Gortex? Do you think of anything? I'm sure the most common response would be to think of Raincoats. Living here in the Northwest there's a great need for a quality, waterproof raincoat.
But for me, gortex reminds me of my little raincoat, my patch covering the hole in my heart. It's amazing to me that the material that makes raincoats also makes patches to repair the hole in my heart.
I'm so thankful for gortex. I'm thankful that I live in a time where first, someone would think to use gortex for fixing heart holes and two, the procedures and operations exist to "heal" someone like me.
As i walk around today in the rainy northwest I'm thankful what i fondly refer to my own little raincoat, protecting and covering that pesky little hole in my heart.
But for me, gortex reminds me of my little raincoat, my patch covering the hole in my heart. It's amazing to me that the material that makes raincoats also makes patches to repair the hole in my heart.
I'm so thankful for gortex. I'm thankful that I live in a time where first, someone would think to use gortex for fixing heart holes and two, the procedures and operations exist to "heal" someone like me.
As i walk around today in the rainy northwest I'm thankful what i fondly refer to my own little raincoat, protecting and covering that pesky little hole in my heart.
Friday, September 18, 2009
learning to run again.
when walking with a friend a few years back I expressed the desire to run again. and when i say again, i think i meant for the first time really, being an athlete i'd been in shape but I'd never just gone running. she advised me to take it slow and build up, she'd taken a running class in college and they'd started with ten minutes a day for two weeks and very slowly increased from there.
I've tried several times to get back into shape, ever since my heart surgery almost eight years ago i've needed to get back into shape and yet each month that passes makes the mountain of not being in shape larger, higher and more daunting.
since i've graduated two months ago I've had lofty dreams of getting back into the swing of things, of walking 6 days a week, losing weight and building my stamina back up. these things haven't happened. i've felt as though I've walked through a haze or fog, moving slowly from day to day, trying to grasp the surfaces around me just to hold me up. and I think I may be slowly coming up to the surface, slowly learning how to walk in this new stage of life.
my hope is that i can slowly again begin to see Christ around me, to walk the way God has called me and to live fully again.
and to run fully up the mountain that has stood in my way for eight years now.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
green monster
one of the complications of heart surgery for me is that i suffer from swollen legs. i don't know how many people really experience swollen legs, i've heard that pregnant woman do but i haven't experienced that. it's painful and uncomfortable and has been happening a lot lately. but no worries, just had heart tests and i'm good to go for another year! but regardless swollen legs aren't much fun.
before surgery when i was 17 swollen legs were a daily, all day battle. doctors thought maybe i'd get relief at night but it was actually worse because i wasn't moving for so long. and in high school my best friends family got the green monster. it's this mammoth reclining chair, it props your legs up and is simply the best thing for swollen legs. plus it's an awful and yet wonderful green color. it's a beaut. and i fell head over heels in love with it.
see, uncle d left it with e's family to store for him because he didn't have room, not sure they had room either but cw loves her brother and they stored it. i wanted that chair so bad.
in college ( i can say that now, in past tense!) i got a one person version of the green monster (it's cute tho! green monster is wonderful because it is what it is!) - i love my brown recliner and it's awesome for my legs but it's not the gm.
two days ago i saw the gm sitting in the carport and e casually mentions that they are selling it... WHAT!?
frantically my brain is scrambling to come up with where i could put the gm. i'm so bummed cause i have loved it since i set eyes on it.
going home i bemoan that soon the gm will belong to someone else, a few hours later i text e and say, please i want it. and i'll just MAKE it work.
i want the chair. i don't care how I'll make it work. the chair is in my living room, it's mammoth and i'll be hiring professional movers when i move to CO. miss and i cuddled last night and it was the nest thing ever, now i just need to take cw up on her quilt offer and i'm gonna be solid this winter and for the rest of my sitting in chairs life.
I'm never getting rid of it. and you know what? it works with my body and with my colors! :)
thanks uncle d and the rest of you w's, and thanks e for carrying it (justin and urs too) i love my gm!
before surgery when i was 17 swollen legs were a daily, all day battle. doctors thought maybe i'd get relief at night but it was actually worse because i wasn't moving for so long. and in high school my best friends family got the green monster. it's this mammoth reclining chair, it props your legs up and is simply the best thing for swollen legs. plus it's an awful and yet wonderful green color. it's a beaut. and i fell head over heels in love with it.
see, uncle d left it with e's family to store for him because he didn't have room, not sure they had room either but cw loves her brother and they stored it. i wanted that chair so bad.
in college ( i can say that now, in past tense!) i got a one person version of the green monster (it's cute tho! green monster is wonderful because it is what it is!) - i love my brown recliner and it's awesome for my legs but it's not the gm.
two days ago i saw the gm sitting in the carport and e casually mentions that they are selling it... WHAT!?
frantically my brain is scrambling to come up with where i could put the gm. i'm so bummed cause i have loved it since i set eyes on it.
going home i bemoan that soon the gm will belong to someone else, a few hours later i text e and say, please i want it. and i'll just MAKE it work.
i want the chair. i don't care how I'll make it work. the chair is in my living room, it's mammoth and i'll be hiring professional movers when i move to CO. miss and i cuddled last night and it was the nest thing ever, now i just need to take cw up on her quilt offer and i'm gonna be solid this winter and for the rest of my sitting in chairs life.
I'm never getting rid of it. and you know what? it works with my body and with my colors! :)
thanks uncle d and the rest of you w's, and thanks e for carrying it (justin and urs too) i love my gm!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
challenge to swilson
so when reading a new blog, i stumbled on an entry that was titled 50 things I'd never do, and she only got to 35 - i told her i could do fifty and i'd blog about so here goes, and yes i am stealing some of hers...
1. i would never cut my toenails in the lunch room (i don't eat in the lunch room but that is besides the point)
2. I would never get a brazilian (though legs, eyebrows, armpits - totally and do!)
3. I would never willingly shave my head.
4. I will never sky dive.
5. I will never bungie jump.
6. I will jump off a train.
7. I will never swin with sharks.
8. I will never go deep sea diving.
9. I will never go sailing!
10. I will never get "sleeves"
11. I will never get anything other than my ears pirced.
12. I prolly will never travel to africa
13. I'll prolly never travel to asia
14. I'll prolly never travel to Russia
15. I will never run for President!
16. I will never open a Swiss Bank Account
17. I will never walk on stilts.
18. I will never take diving lessons.
19. I will never sell things door to door
20. I will never be good at math.
21. I will never have a math related job.
22. I will never buy a snake for a pet
23. I will not haver a ferret for a pet.
24. I will not have a cat for a pet.
24. I will not have a big dog as a pet.
25. I won't dye my hair black.
26. I won't ever eat Rubarb
27. I won't ever eat Apple Crisp
28. I won't give up coffee unless ordered by a doctor to do so.
29. I won't give up gluten unless the doc says so (and i don't think i'll ask him if i should either)30. I won't become a Nun.
31. I won't ever yell at a CS person!
32. I won't ever smoke!!!
33. I will never Enter a Logos Cookoff
34. I won't be a vegetarian
35. I won't be a a vegan.
36. I will never read skinny bitch again (anyone want my copy?)
37. I will never give up soda (well i might but i highly doubt it)
38. I will never play football again
39. I will never be better at soccer than my sister
40. I will never play baseball again (unless i have kids and they need me to or something)
41. I will never be able to completely type without sometimes looking at my fingers
42. I'll never be able to diet (woe is me!! i need too!)
43. I will never eat a whole apple while at work
44. speaking of apples - i'll never eat an apple core
45. I will never be able to sew like my mom
46. I highly doubt i'll ever enjoy spicey food! (though sarah i do like curry!!!!!!)
47. I will never stop making plans
48. I will never have my scars worked on (plastic surgery)
49. I will never doubt the story Christ has give me!
50. I will never make a "I never" list again as it feel negative! :)
there you go sarah! :)
46.
30.
1. i would never cut my toenails in the lunch room (i don't eat in the lunch room but that is besides the point)
2. I would never get a brazilian (though legs, eyebrows, armpits - totally and do!)
3. I would never willingly shave my head.
4. I will never sky dive.
5. I will never bungie jump.
6. I will jump off a train.
7. I will never swin with sharks.
8. I will never go deep sea diving.
9. I will never go sailing!
10. I will never get "sleeves"
11. I will never get anything other than my ears pirced.
12. I prolly will never travel to africa
13. I'll prolly never travel to asia
14. I'll prolly never travel to Russia
15. I will never run for President!
16. I will never open a Swiss Bank Account
17. I will never walk on stilts.
18. I will never take diving lessons.
19. I will never sell things door to door
20. I will never be good at math.
21. I will never have a math related job.
22. I will never buy a snake for a pet
23. I will not haver a ferret for a pet.
24. I will not have a cat for a pet.
24. I will not have a big dog as a pet.
25. I won't dye my hair black.
26. I won't ever eat Rubarb
27. I won't ever eat Apple Crisp
28. I won't give up coffee unless ordered by a doctor to do so.
29. I won't give up gluten unless the doc says so (and i don't think i'll ask him if i should either)30. I won't become a Nun.
31. I won't ever yell at a CS person!
32. I won't ever smoke!!!
33. I will never Enter a Logos Cookoff
34. I won't be a vegetarian
35. I won't be a a vegan.
36. I will never read skinny bitch again (anyone want my copy?)
37. I will never give up soda (well i might but i highly doubt it)
38. I will never play football again
39. I will never be better at soccer than my sister
40. I will never play baseball again (unless i have kids and they need me to or something)
41. I will never be able to completely type without sometimes looking at my fingers
42. I'll never be able to diet (woe is me!! i need too!)
43. I will never eat a whole apple while at work
44. speaking of apples - i'll never eat an apple core
45. I will never be able to sew like my mom
46. I highly doubt i'll ever enjoy spicey food! (though sarah i do like curry!!!!!!)
47. I will never stop making plans
48. I will never have my scars worked on (plastic surgery)
49. I will never doubt the story Christ has give me!
50. I will never make a "I never" list again as it feel negative! :)
there you go sarah! :)
46.
30.
Monday, August 3, 2009
life without homework.
Sitting at home the other day it struck me, I didn't have anything I absolutely needed to do. Sure, there were things that I should probably get done, like laundry and showering, but nothing that if I didn't do I'd be failing in my responsibility as a person. I had no homework!
There was no papers to write or edit, no books that needed to be read, no online posts to read and discuss. I glanced at my computer and realized that I hadn't opened my little friend in several days! That's huge! I used to be attached to my laptop when i was home, checking my online classes, reading things, emailing, now when i open my laptop it's for pleasure which is a whole new world for me. Since my phone has facebook and twitter and I sit in front of a computer all day at work my little mac buddy hasn't been getting much use.
Life without school is strange and very different, it feels as though part of my life is missing. I've been in school now for the last 19 years... I'm still getting used to the feeling that I have a limb missing.
To Update you on life since graduating...
There's been a whole lot of sweating on the couch with two fans pointed directly at me.
I've swam in Lake Whatcom three times in the last two weeks which broke my run of not swimming in lake whatcom since i believe 2003.
I've had one monstrous cold.
I still have my stress rash.
Went to Seaside with my cousin, Aunt and Uncle!
Read all 7 Harry Potter Books.
Watched two movies in the Theater.
Missed E.
Lots of sweating in my condo.
Fridge broke - emptied said fridge, lost money, had to choose a new fridge, the one i liked wasn't available until November (seriously! what is that?!) had to choose a new fridge (well my mom chose... it's black??)
Bought cheap coolers in hopes of having frozen food stay frozen, FAIL.
More sweating in my condo.
Watch season 7 of 24.
Spent a lot of time with miss. She was HOT too.
Gave miss a haircut (and when I say me, I mean i held her down so that my mom could trim her.)
Gave miss a total of 20 or so baths in the last two weeks. To cool her down...
Hosted a grad party - thanks to those who came!
More sweating.
Ruined my friends season 8 :(
Spoke with a Balance counselor to get my money and spending back on track.
Looked at Scooters to buy.
Called about possible scooters to buy.
Missed E some more - she's having fun with the hostess with the mostest.
Coughed every ten minutes or so for three days and counting.
Gone through two boxes of Kleenex blowing my nose. Nose a little raw.
Took some pictures with my new camera.
Gone out to eat more than I've ever done in Bellingham, trying out all the resturants!
And stuggled to understand where I'm going next. this is a new journey for me. as I sit in my office at work knowning that I don't have everything figured out, or homework to do at home, I wonder, God? Where am I going? How am I to serve you? What is this daily existence that I walk through each day that is mundane and not challenging? How do I live for you? I know looking back that I haven't been in ways that are shameful. I want to serve Christ, as I learn to walk again without this limb, my prayer is that I walk justly before Christ.
There was no papers to write or edit, no books that needed to be read, no online posts to read and discuss. I glanced at my computer and realized that I hadn't opened my little friend in several days! That's huge! I used to be attached to my laptop when i was home, checking my online classes, reading things, emailing, now when i open my laptop it's for pleasure which is a whole new world for me. Since my phone has facebook and twitter and I sit in front of a computer all day at work my little mac buddy hasn't been getting much use.
Life without school is strange and very different, it feels as though part of my life is missing. I've been in school now for the last 19 years... I'm still getting used to the feeling that I have a limb missing.
To Update you on life since graduating...
There's been a whole lot of sweating on the couch with two fans pointed directly at me.
I've swam in Lake Whatcom three times in the last two weeks which broke my run of not swimming in lake whatcom since i believe 2003.
I've had one monstrous cold.
I still have my stress rash.
Went to Seaside with my cousin, Aunt and Uncle!
Read all 7 Harry Potter Books.
Watched two movies in the Theater.
Missed E.
Lots of sweating in my condo.
Fridge broke - emptied said fridge, lost money, had to choose a new fridge, the one i liked wasn't available until November (seriously! what is that?!) had to choose a new fridge (well my mom chose... it's black??)
Bought cheap coolers in hopes of having frozen food stay frozen, FAIL.
More sweating in my condo.
Watch season 7 of 24.
Spent a lot of time with miss. She was HOT too.
Gave miss a haircut (and when I say me, I mean i held her down so that my mom could trim her.)
Gave miss a total of 20 or so baths in the last two weeks. To cool her down...
Hosted a grad party - thanks to those who came!
More sweating.
Ruined my friends season 8 :(
Spoke with a Balance counselor to get my money and spending back on track.
Looked at Scooters to buy.
Called about possible scooters to buy.
Missed E some more - she's having fun with the hostess with the mostest.
Coughed every ten minutes or so for three days and counting.
Gone through two boxes of Kleenex blowing my nose. Nose a little raw.
Took some pictures with my new camera.
Gone out to eat more than I've ever done in Bellingham, trying out all the resturants!
And stuggled to understand where I'm going next. this is a new journey for me. as I sit in my office at work knowning that I don't have everything figured out, or homework to do at home, I wonder, God? Where am I going? How am I to serve you? What is this daily existence that I walk through each day that is mundane and not challenging? How do I live for you? I know looking back that I haven't been in ways that are shameful. I want to serve Christ, as I learn to walk again without this limb, my prayer is that I walk justly before Christ.
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