strangeness of this day

THURSDAY

the strangeness of this day.

 

to start off I got less than four hours of sleep last night. that’s not usual.

 

I was asked to go the doctors with them by one adult and then when we got there the other adult said for me to wait in the waiting room. so I sat in the waiting room reading weird old people magazines and listening to the strangest waiting room music ever.

 

I squeezed fresh orange juice – over 30 oranges cut in half, so over 60 halves each requiring two to three pulls on the handle. I forgot to switch arms so Im guess I’ll have a sore right shoulder tomorrow.

 

and last but not least (well the day’s not over quite yet) I saw my grandpa reading a playboy. yuck.

 

when I think Italian I think pasta and pizza and big portions…. what do you think? we went to an Italian place tonight and my dish was three noodles. yeah. not full. not Italian.

 

margot came home with Ocean’s 12 today and wanted to watch it, I asked if she’d since Ocean’s 11, they hadn’t so I suggested they might enjoy 12 if we rented 11 first. but alas we got to the pinch part and the movie froze, nothing I did fixed it. so tomorrow the plan is to watch both and to give L a haircut.

 

we’re all in bed before 1am, whoo hoo go us. geesh I’m too old for this.

flashback

when i first met her, i didn't like her one bit. it was always such a big deal whenever she came the youth leader would rave and rave. i came every week and nothing was said about that. at least not that i can remember. 

then came high school and somehow or rather because we're in the same grade we were in small group together. and we happened to be the only two who ever showed up and suddenly a friendship was born. we were 15 and together as much as possible. it was harder then cause we couldn't drive and she didn't live in town. plus she played basketball religiously! :) 

but we made it work. we were both involved at church and with our youth group and we spent the majority of our time together. we weren't crazy or even that exciting, we spent our time talking (me talking), reading books ( our own, silently next to each other), watching tv or movies and observing the other clean their rooms. that's what we did those four years of high school. 

i mean we had fun things thrown in every once in awhile, like going to senior prom together (with boys from youth group), teepeeing people's houses (our associate pastor for one), we had a great time but it was usually pretty mellow. 

we are in fact very different, one might say complete opposites but we get along. i talk, she listens, i see detail, she sees big picture, i'm super sensitive, she's like a duck (it just rolls off her back - drives me crazy!) :)

a couple nights ago i sat on my best friends bed (super comfy - very grown up bed) and watched her clean her room. she's back in town for the first time for more than a couple of weeks for awhile (so wonderful - too bad she's unemployed!) i of course was looking at the books she had and was not really paying attention to her cleaning job. when suddenly she shows me this super ugly hat and then sets off a very loud bell of some sort (she couldn't shut it off for minutes i swear). i laughed so hard i had tears running down my face. 

and how sweet that moment was, for now ten years later once again we can be ourselves together without expectations and simply be the odd best friends that we are. how thankful i am that though we've had our moments and struggles we're still there sitting on each other's beds watching the other clean! :)

okay i'm still a planner. :)

white knuckles

i used to be a planner, key word, used. when i was in middle school and high school i found my worth with knowing all the details and being hyper organized plus i had a memory as sharp as a tack. and then i got sick and became jesus' friend rather than someone who only knew sunday school answers. slowly i found worth in myself (not perfect there by far) and lost the need to know all the details all the time and slowly became much more disorganized. and i forget where i put stuff all the time, that memory isn't quite as bright. 

and yet, i still plan. i know what i want at my wedding (scary huh?) i know that i want to be an intern next year at the inn. i know i want to be  married and sooner than later. my plan was that'd i'd be married by now for at least a year. that's not happened and that hurts. it hurts when those big plans, i have so many little plans, but those little things i seem to let go of better when asked, but the big ones... i grasp so tightly my fingers turn white.

last time i wrote i spoke of a little red house and my dreams. my dreams of having a home of my own and being a relationship, my dream of being married. 

i spoke to someone today who said they'd read my post and had thought about it. she said something that while is resonated with me it caused me a great amount of fear. she said that often our visions, we need to let die, we need to give them to God let them be crucified and allow them to stay in the grave until Christ resurrects them for us when he's ready to have them be resurrected in our life. 

i almost started crying. she mentioned my dream of a little red house. i don't want that little red house anymore. from the time i wrote last that dream has slowly be taken from my hands without pain. i don't need it anymore and i don't need that dream, i'm coming to understand that my dream of owning a home NOW isn't what God has in his plan and i'm honestly okay with it. i can wait, i get now that's he's asking me to wait and i'm okay. really.

but. i am not okay with letting my dream of a relationship now die. to give that vision to Christ, to say i'll let you take care of this, i'll wait for you to decide. scares me to death. what if i say i'll let you have this dream. i'll let you have this deepest desire of my heart and you say, no. i don't know if i can handle it.

these last few months i've cried easily and often. i tear up over everything and anything. i hurt all the time and i'm lonely and scared of letting my vision slip into the ground. into that grave and gone forever. when i asked if that dream will be given back to me i can't hear the answer and i think that might be because i have my fingers jammed in my ears so tightly for fear of the answer. 

part of me wants to let go because i want to have the faith that he loves me enough that the big picture is bigger than i can see, but oh the fear. my prayer now is that he can gently take dream as his took the other - almost without me even knowing it. 

my fingers may be in pain from holding onto my dream so tightly and my stomach may be in knots for fear of letting go but the idea to loosen that grip makes me squeeze even tighter. 

dreams.

today my parents and i went on a walk and my dad having the access that he has as a relator brought his handy dandy key to open lock boxes. there's this little red house near my parents house that has been on the market now for two years. a year ago when my mother and i started talking about me buying a house we looked at it from the outside and she dreamed a little about what could be done to it. 

random odd side note - my parents during their brief courtship bonded over architecture and houses. they'd go on walks and talk about the houses they liked and didn't like and what they'd have done differently. this is something they continued in their marriage, discussing houses and floor plans and what they think works and doesn't work. it boggles my mind that they don't ever do anything they talk about in our own house but it's something and may be one of the few things that they share a love for. and they've given it to me. and i can share and be with them in that adventure. though i am more prone to want to actually do something after talking about it. :)

so tonight we went on a walk and my dad decided to bring his electronic key and he'd show me the house. for all the angst he showed me when i wanted to buy a house this spring he still tells me about the houses he sees in my price range and he still lets me dream. this little red house is cute from the outside. a site of a future private elementary school sits on one side and little house on the other. it's on a quiet block in the area of town i love. the front yard is small and not fenced but the back yard is huge with fruit trees and small flower gardens. there's a little detached garage that connects to the house with a covered patio/walkway. all i knew of the house before going tonight was the kitchen looking in looked disastrous. and it was. 

walking in i smelled the smell of old shut in houses, i knew the windows hadn't been opened in the house for years. the living room has dark gray carpet and i kneel to see if there's hardwood underneath, and yes being an old house there's beautiful wood below. as i walk into the kitchen my eyes are assaulted by the hideous yellow linoleum and the very strange arrangement of stove, washer and dryer plus fridge. the room itself it quite large but weirdly configured and unpleasant. 

my dad and i wander through the door out to the patio and i see steps going down, i hesitantly follow them into a pitch black basement made of horror movies. i quickly leave, there's nothing down there and it's great storage i tell myself. my dad didn't even follow, his only comment was "scary basement." we wander back into the house to find a very pink full bath without a shower. lame i say. and then a bedroom with a nice walk in closet. I wander back out to the living room and then into a different bedroom which turns out to be the master since it has it's own full bath with shower! yay! plus a huge closet. i slowly start to imagine my things there. where would i put my couch? what paint colors would i choose?

my dad and i discuss the awful kitchen and he says you'd just have to start over, there's plenty of space to work with, why not just completely change it. he's not thinking of me really just in general. but i start to dream.

i dream of painting the floor in the kitchen, yes i know paint the floor? i read a recent article about it and fell in love with the idea. i'd have an island and bar with stools. i'd move the washer and dryer out of the kitchen and have a mud room where the entrance to the  horror basement is. 

the pink bath room wouldn't be too bad, the pink tile could be painted over and the wall color changed. a shower would have to be routed in but that couldn't be too hard, could it? she asks naively. i can see my bedroom with my bed just so and my dresser by the door. and the dining room with my table and chairs with their bright cushions. 

it's a little home with not all that much room but a home in itself with so much potential for growth and personalization. the fence in the front that i'd build (i'd? maybe, most likely not.). 

it's been hard this year being 23. i know in the big scheme of things that's not old, i understand that i have so much time left. my heart hurts for my dreams. my dream of owning my own home. not this condo i'm stuck in without options, held back by well meaning parents and grandparents.  i sound so spoiled. i guess i am. 

my heart aches for a relationship, for a man to hold me, to love me. for a man who i can be a wife to, who will be my husband. i thought i'd be married now and getting to live that dream and deepest desire of my heart. i don't want babies yet but how i long to be in marriage and have that confidence that i'm with a man with whom i can have babies with. 

i'm lonely these days. i feel so far away from where i want to be. with no ideas of how to get there. with no whispers of peace from God. my heart and stomach roll with the fear that those dreams will never be fulfilled. there is a terror that i'm found wanting. that i'm lacking in some area to still be so far away from where i so desperately want to be. i feel as though a part of me is missing. i'm incomplete and undone. my prayer is that i can be closer to God who feels so distant and yet it's hard to understand why this deep desire still hasn't been met. i struggle with this loving God when i feel so unloved by him. i struggle to understand and to seek when i hurt and feel as though he could take this hurt away if he wanted. 

i have dreams and today walking through that house made those dreams shine so brightly in my eyes i can barely see.

lil' update

i haven't blogged in a long time.

opps. sorry about that.

so here's a little update. let's take it step by step.

june: preschool ended - miss the little buggers, i get really excited whenever i see any of them! :) my favorite thing from the last couple weeks (other than the amazing gifts i got!) was isaac saying "i'd follow you to africa miss christine, i really would." awww. 

went on a partial date.... hummm. not sure i enjoy these. plus makes me once again contemplate the fact that there is no boy in my life which i'd really like.

sat around on my bum for awhile trying to find a job. got hired at pier one. spent money at pier one. 

started working and the weather got nicer.

july: had the insane idea to send my best friend 23 things for her 23rd birthday - that was crazy, bite off a little more than i could chew.

finished my favorite class at trinity to date. didn't enjoy the topic-love the teacher. got an "a" on my final paper (which was the final) and got and "a" on my hour long presentation. pretty stocked about that.

went "camping" or rather spent and evening and night and the following morning in a tiny cabin at this state park. cool, except i had to sleep on the floor being the youngest. it was my "aunts" and my mom and my "cousin" and i. camping was during my "summer" from trinity, or two tuesdays. 

got to go on a spur of the moment trip to hayden!!!!! cause i had five days off in a row, wonderful to be there though the weather wasn't the best! read some good books, had a great time with my cousins who i never get to see. and chased my dog all over the place. and got hired by starbucks!!! whooo hooo!!!

dad and brother got back from a mission trip to mexico and it was so cool to see how excited they were about the trip and their experience and how much they want to return!

worked a bunch and then the last week of july hurt my back pretty bad at work. so i've been off for the last week now. 

august: found out i no longer have a room mate. a little bitter about that. life is hard right now.

class tomorrow, very excited for that as i missed the first session as i was too drugged to pay attention. 

then wednesday i go to hayden again and meet up with my family for a few days. i am excited about this! i have really missed not being there the last few days while they've already been there. makes me sad. 

that's the recap. maybe i'll have the emotional strength to go into my sadness later. right now my back is killing me and i need to take meds. back pain is which crappy.

adjustment to last post

*my dad SAYS i should grow up.... not that he needs to grow up!