green monster

one of the complications of heart surgery for me is that i suffer from swollen legs. i don't know how many people really experience swollen legs, i've heard that pregnant woman do but i haven't experienced that. it's painful and uncomfortable and has been happening a lot lately. but no worries, just had heart tests and i'm good to go for another year! but regardless swollen legs aren't much fun.
before surgery when i was 17 swollen legs were a daily, all day battle. doctors thought maybe i'd get relief at night but it was actually worse because i wasn't moving for so long. and in high school my best friends family got the green monster. it's this mammoth reclining chair, it props your legs up and is simply the best thing for swollen legs. plus it's an awful and yet wonderful green color. it's a beaut. and i fell head over heels in love with it.
see, uncle d left it with e's family to store for him because he didn't have room, not sure they had room either but cw loves her brother and they stored it. i wanted that chair so bad.
in college ( i can say that now, in past tense!) i got a one person version of the green monster (it's cute tho! green monster is wonderful because it is what it is!) - i love my brown recliner and it's awesome for my legs but it's not the gm.
two days ago i saw the gm sitting in the carport and e casually mentions that they are selling it... WHAT!?
frantically my brain is scrambling to come up with where i could put the gm. i'm so bummed cause i have loved it since i set eyes on it.
going home i bemoan that soon the gm will belong to someone else, a few hours later i text e and say, please i want it. and i'll just MAKE it work.
i want the chair. i don't care how I'll make it work. the chair is in my living room, it's mammoth and i'll be hiring professional movers when i move to CO. miss and i cuddled last night and it was the nest thing ever, now i just need to take cw up on her quilt offer and i'm gonna be solid this winter and for the rest of my sitting in chairs life.
I'm never getting rid of it. and you know what? it works with my body and with my colors! :)
thanks uncle d and the rest of you w's, and thanks e for carrying it (justin and urs too) i love my gm!

challenge to swilson

so when reading a new blog, i stumbled on an entry that was titled 50 things I'd never do, and she only got to 35 - i told her i could do fifty and i'd blog about so here goes, and yes i am stealing some of hers...
1. i would never cut my toenails in the lunch room (i don't eat in the lunch room but that is besides the point)
2. I would never get a brazilian (though legs, eyebrows, armpits - totally and do!)
3. I would never willingly shave my head.
4. I will never sky dive.
5. I will never bungie jump.
6. I will jump off a train.
7. I will never swin with sharks.
8. I will never go deep sea diving.
9. I will never go sailing!
10. I will never get "sleeves"
11. I will never get anything other than my ears pirced.
12. I prolly will never travel to africa
13. I'll prolly never travel to asia
14. I'll prolly never travel to Russia
15. I will never run for President!
16. I will never open a Swiss Bank Account
17. I will never walk on stilts.
18. I will never take diving lessons.
19. I will never sell things door to door
20. I will never be good at math.
21. I will never have a math related job.
22. I will never buy a snake for a pet
23. I will not haver a ferret for a pet.
24. I will not have a cat for a pet.
24. I will not have a big dog as a pet.
25. I won't dye my hair black.
26. I won't ever eat Rubarb
27. I won't ever eat Apple Crisp
28. I won't give up coffee unless ordered by a doctor to do so.
29. I won't give up gluten unless the doc says so (and i don't think i'll ask him if i should either)30. I won't become a Nun.
31. I won't ever yell at a CS person!
32. I won't ever smoke!!!
33. I will never Enter a Logos Cookoff
34. I won't be a vegetarian
35. I won't be a a vegan.
36. I will never read skinny bitch again (anyone want my copy?)
37. I will never give up soda (well i might but i highly doubt it)
38. I will never play football again
39. I will never be better at soccer than my sister
40. I will never play baseball again (unless i have kids and they need me to or something)
41. I will never be able to completely type without sometimes looking at my fingers
42. I'll never be able to diet (woe is me!! i need too!)
43. I will never eat a whole apple while at work
44. speaking of apples - i'll never eat an apple core
45. I will never be able to sew like my mom
46. I highly doubt i'll ever enjoy spicey food! (though sarah i do like curry!!!!!!)
47. I will never stop making plans
48. I will never have my scars worked on (plastic surgery)
49. I will never doubt the story Christ has give me!
50. I will never make a "I never" list again as it feel negative! :)


there you go sarah! :)
46.
30.

life without homework.

Sitting at home the other day it struck me, I didn't have anything I absolutely needed to do. Sure, there were things that I should probably get done, like laundry and showering, but nothing that if I didn't do I'd be failing in my responsibility as a person. I had no homework!

There was no papers to write or edit, no books that needed to be read, no online posts to read and discuss. I glanced at my computer and realized that I hadn't opened my little friend in several days! That's huge! I used to be attached to my laptop when i was home, checking my online classes, reading things, emailing, now when i open my laptop it's for pleasure which is a whole new world for me. Since my phone has facebook and twitter and I sit in front of a computer all day at work my little mac buddy hasn't been getting much use.

Life without school is strange and very different, it feels as though part of my life is missing. I've been in school now for the last 19 years... I'm still getting used to the feeling that I have a limb missing.

To Update you on life since graduating...

There's been a whole lot of sweating on the couch with two fans pointed directly at me.

I've swam in Lake Whatcom three times in the last two weeks which broke my run of not swimming in lake whatcom since i believe 2003.

I've had one monstrous cold.

I still have my stress rash.

Went to Seaside with my cousin, Aunt and Uncle!

Read all 7 Harry Potter Books.

Watched two movies in the Theater.

Missed E.

Lots of sweating in my condo.

Fridge broke - emptied said fridge, lost money, had to choose a new fridge, the one i liked wasn't available until November (seriously! what is that?!) had to choose a new fridge (well my mom chose... it's black??)

Bought cheap coolers in hopes of having frozen food stay frozen, FAIL.

More sweating in my condo.

Watch season 7 of 24.

Spent a lot of time with miss. She was HOT too.

Gave miss a haircut (and when I say me, I mean i held her down so that my mom could trim her.)

Gave miss a total of 20 or so baths in the last two weeks. To cool her down...

Hosted a grad party - thanks to those who came!

More sweating.

Ruined my friends season 8 :(

Spoke with a Balance counselor to get my money and spending back on track.

Looked at Scooters to buy.

Called about possible scooters to buy.

Missed E some more - she's having fun with the hostess with the mostest.

Coughed every ten minutes or so for three days and counting.

Gone through two boxes of Kleenex blowing my nose. Nose a little raw.

Took some pictures with my new camera.

Gone out to eat more than I've ever done in Bellingham, trying out all the resturants!

And stuggled to understand where I'm going next. this is a new journey for me. as I sit in my office at work knowning that I don't have everything figured out, or homework to do at home, I wonder, God? Where am I going? How am I to serve you? What is this daily existence that I walk through each day that is mundane and not challenging? How do I live for you? I know looking back that I haven't been in ways that are shameful. I want to serve Christ, as I learn to walk again without this limb, my prayer is that I walk justly before Christ.

sparky - (written july 3rd 2009)

The fourth of july isn’t a holiday I like to celebrate and no it’s not because I don’t like this country that we live in or the fact that we are free because of what our forefathers risked for this nation. The fourth of july means sparklers and sparklers remind me of the nickname sparky and the nickname sparky? That reminds me of my little sister, my little sister that had the fourth of july as her due date, which made my elderly neighbor nickname her sparky in the womb.

Thinking of my little sister sucks. There are hardly any good memories. The only things I remember even though it was 17 years ago, bring pain and very real hurt. There’s ball of heat in my stomach as I write this, I don’t enjoy thinking of Abby because when I think of Abby, I think of pain. Her pain, her little body purple and damaged, so broken and so little. My parents pain of losing a child. My mothers pain she could only express in tears. My family’s pain as we tried to navigate the waters that were so unknown after she died. I think of screaming at God, why did you let this happen? I think of how my other sister would say that if Abby had lived she would have been like her. My sister would say that to hurt me – you have Josh, well if Abby was here, I’d have her.

I think of that dark haired little girl, the only dark haired baby my parents had, the rest of us were blond from the get go, weird since my mom has to this day very dark hair (dominate gene).

I don’t like the fourth. It brings pain to the surface, pain that I’ve worked hard to deal with, pain that I don’t feel a freedom to talk about. Pain knowing that I go months without thinking of her,and then feeling so guilty that i haven't thought of her! and then pain that comes from thinking about her.

This is song that every time I hear I think of her – this is Abby, this is the pain I’ve tried to express, and I’ve tried to heal from.

Abby I love you, and I will never forget you, you are and always will be my little sister. The day I get to see you in heaven is a day I look forward to with much excitement and joy – It will be so good to hold you, I can’t wait to hear all about you and your life with Jesus. You, Abby, are my dark haired little sister, I love you!

Your big sis,

Christine

Watermark Glory Baby

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you… (and your sisters and brother)
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

graduation

Graduation is coming. But is it really? I have this irrational fear that at the last minute they’ll say, nope you can’t graduate. You aren’t good enough. AHHH! Let me tell you, I’m barely hanging on by the skin of my teeth (by the way, what the heck does that expression mean? We don’t have skin on our teeth… at least I don’t)

 

Flashback to freshman of college, sitting in Artzen Hall 100 – surrounded by 400 hundred other students… I have to pee really bad, but I don’t want to get up and leave, they’ll all look at me, I’ll turn bright red, maybe I’ll walk in with toilet paper stuck to my shoe, maybe I’ll have forgotten to zip my fly…. They’ll all laugh and snicker at me. I really have to pee though, I start bouncing in my seat! My friend says, Christine just go to the bathroom. I get up, and go.

 

I get to the bathroom in the bowels of Artzen, and suddenly my skin is clammy, my breath is shaky and my hands won’t stop shaking. Sweat is breaking out all over my body. I can barely stand. What is going on?! I go back to class, terrified that I’m going to fall down the stairs and sink into my chair.

 

When I get home I mention it to my roommate, the rest of the week, I have one of this experiences everyday. I can’t get up and leave class to go to the bathroom, and if I am late at all for class, I can’t go in without getting shaky, not being able to breathe and breaking into a sweat. I start showing up to class 15 minutes early and going to the bathroom even when I don’t have to for fear or having to go during class. Finally I call the doctor, she tells me “Oh that sounds like you’re having panic attacks”…. Oh, okay. She tells me some calming techniques. Plus my roommate’s sister gets them really bad so she talks to be about triggers and how to make it so that you don’t have them happen to you.

 

Zoom forward six years. I barely have panic attacks every anymore, I’ve gotten excellent and knowing and recognizing my triggers and I know when and how to stop them. But I’m stuck in one right now… have been stuck in one for a few days, nothing I do seems to matter. I can’t shake this over-riding fear… my can barely catch my breath, my heart is bumpin’ along a little faster than normal and I have a constant headache and tension tummy ache… 32 more days… this is torture. I’d like to be able to breathe again. I’m calling my doctor when I get done with work today. I can’t take this pressure anymore, I’m about to drop of this ledge, to simply free fall to the depths below.

 

wimpy? not her - me.

edited note ** i wrote this the third week of may and never posted it, don't know why, so enjoy now :)

i am wimpy. plus i like to complain which in hindsight makes me seem even more wimpy. i always seem to have something that is wrong with me. either something that's not quite working right, my back, my heart, my skin... or I am in pain. being in pain is pretty common and some days I live with it and others I complain.

my sister, she's not a complainer. she dives into the problem and straight through out the other side, busting apart the problem standing in her way. she doesn't walk through pain, she sprints.

my sister and i are so different. this weekend my grandmother commented to me that she was so glad that my sister and i were so close since we had nothing in common. i don't think that's a compliment, to either of us. and i don't really agree with that statement either.

my sister is intelligent, she's deligent and she's driven. she loves learning and she thrives on competition. she's also the funniest person I know.

and i adore her.

now people in my life may not think this, because my sis and i haven't always been the best of friends. we fight, bicker and often do not get along. but when push comes to shove she's my little sister who completes me in a way that only a little sister can.

this weekend she graduated college with honors. and i was proud of her, proud of that fact, proud that she's beautiful, that she has a teacher who she adores and learned so much from. proud of the fact that she took several times to stop and thank me and my mom and everyone else for all that we were doing for her. proud of her as she walked straight and proud as well as very blonde across that stage. proud of who she is and where she's going in life. the things she knows astounds me, the things that make her passionate and light her up - they completely boggle my mind.

my little sister, was, is and will forever be beautiful, smart and MY little sister who has my heart.

we're alike, you just have to know us well. :)

saturdays

as I sit in this saturday class and look outside at the sunshine after a week of rain, it's hard to pay attention to the debate of if i agree with physician-assisted suicide. because what I feel is not liked in this classroom. i've learned more about christian narrow mindedness these past two years sitting in this classroom than i ever thought i would. 

when it comes to this topic, i have flashbacks. i'm in a bunk bed in a home of my parent's friends, the light is shining in the hall, my mom leans over and kisses me good night. she tells me she and my dad are going to the hospital to see Abby again. and that nellie and i will go with them tomorrow to see her again. She says not to worry, Janie is in the other room and we're safe. I roll over and say good night to my little sister. And then i think of that little car seat in the back seat of the car. it's got this little plastic yellow covering with flowers on it. mom had covered it with a soft dark blue slip cover so that the sticky yellow plastic didn't show. i thought it smelled funny and commented to my mother abut that. she said that both nellie and i had ridden in it, so it was good enough for abby. 

then mom asked me to help pick out a cute coming home outfit for Abby, and nellie and i thought hard about what we wanted our new little baby sister to wear home. i can't remember the outfit, I just remember the weight my mom seemed to carry around with her.  

i was so excited when i got up the next morning and went out to see my parents. I asked early on when are we going to see Abby? It was then that I noticed the atmosphere in the room, it was then that i took that step back and asked what's wrong, what's going on?

We let Abby go last night, she's with Jesus now. is that how they told me? i have no idea, i can't even remember. all i remember is the anger - you said we'd get to see her again! you said we'd see her again! we didn't get to see her again! why would you tell me i got to see her again and then let her go! why would you do that? when i think back to that moment, I'll be honest, not all that anger is gone. i still wonder at how they decided that night instead of the next day.

It was done, the rest is mainly a blur. I remember a neighbor saying she was sorry i wasn't a big sister anymore. I remember seeing another neighbor at the memorial in a dress. I remember watching my dad cry while he read at her memorial. i also remember going to every VBS held that summer in the city of bellingham. I remember watching my mother cry everyday and all day long. and i remember walking back to the swings in my yard and having Connie say, just think of it this way, you got to play here on earth and you'll get to tell her all about it and when you get to heaven she'll get to tell you all about playing up there.

Does she look down at me? Does she know I love her, that I think of her? Does she know that she's a vital part of our family even when we don't say it? Does she know I'll grieve for her the rest of my life? My little dark haired sister who had such a little time here. 

this topic of "pulling the plug" of letting someone go when you know that their life may not be worth living. it hits close to home. did my parents make the right choice? did they really have a choice? i want out of this classroom with this judgement, i'm barely holding back the tears. 

I miss you Abby.