graduation

Graduation is coming. But is it really? I have this irrational fear that at the last minute they’ll say, nope you can’t graduate. You aren’t good enough. AHHH! Let me tell you, I’m barely hanging on by the skin of my teeth (by the way, what the heck does that expression mean? We don’t have skin on our teeth… at least I don’t)

 

Flashback to freshman of college, sitting in Artzen Hall 100 – surrounded by 400 hundred other students… I have to pee really bad, but I don’t want to get up and leave, they’ll all look at me, I’ll turn bright red, maybe I’ll walk in with toilet paper stuck to my shoe, maybe I’ll have forgotten to zip my fly…. They’ll all laugh and snicker at me. I really have to pee though, I start bouncing in my seat! My friend says, Christine just go to the bathroom. I get up, and go.

 

I get to the bathroom in the bowels of Artzen, and suddenly my skin is clammy, my breath is shaky and my hands won’t stop shaking. Sweat is breaking out all over my body. I can barely stand. What is going on?! I go back to class, terrified that I’m going to fall down the stairs and sink into my chair.

 

When I get home I mention it to my roommate, the rest of the week, I have one of this experiences everyday. I can’t get up and leave class to go to the bathroom, and if I am late at all for class, I can’t go in without getting shaky, not being able to breathe and breaking into a sweat. I start showing up to class 15 minutes early and going to the bathroom even when I don’t have to for fear or having to go during class. Finally I call the doctor, she tells me “Oh that sounds like you’re having panic attacks”…. Oh, okay. She tells me some calming techniques. Plus my roommate’s sister gets them really bad so she talks to be about triggers and how to make it so that you don’t have them happen to you.

 

Zoom forward six years. I barely have panic attacks every anymore, I’ve gotten excellent and knowing and recognizing my triggers and I know when and how to stop them. But I’m stuck in one right now… have been stuck in one for a few days, nothing I do seems to matter. I can’t shake this over-riding fear… my can barely catch my breath, my heart is bumpin’ along a little faster than normal and I have a constant headache and tension tummy ache… 32 more days… this is torture. I’d like to be able to breathe again. I’m calling my doctor when I get done with work today. I can’t take this pressure anymore, I’m about to drop of this ledge, to simply free fall to the depths below.

 

wimpy? not her - me.

edited note ** i wrote this the third week of may and never posted it, don't know why, so enjoy now :)

i am wimpy. plus i like to complain which in hindsight makes me seem even more wimpy. i always seem to have something that is wrong with me. either something that's not quite working right, my back, my heart, my skin... or I am in pain. being in pain is pretty common and some days I live with it and others I complain.

my sister, she's not a complainer. she dives into the problem and straight through out the other side, busting apart the problem standing in her way. she doesn't walk through pain, she sprints.

my sister and i are so different. this weekend my grandmother commented to me that she was so glad that my sister and i were so close since we had nothing in common. i don't think that's a compliment, to either of us. and i don't really agree with that statement either.

my sister is intelligent, she's deligent and she's driven. she loves learning and she thrives on competition. she's also the funniest person I know.

and i adore her.

now people in my life may not think this, because my sis and i haven't always been the best of friends. we fight, bicker and often do not get along. but when push comes to shove she's my little sister who completes me in a way that only a little sister can.

this weekend she graduated college with honors. and i was proud of her, proud of that fact, proud that she's beautiful, that she has a teacher who she adores and learned so much from. proud of the fact that she took several times to stop and thank me and my mom and everyone else for all that we were doing for her. proud of her as she walked straight and proud as well as very blonde across that stage. proud of who she is and where she's going in life. the things she knows astounds me, the things that make her passionate and light her up - they completely boggle my mind.

my little sister, was, is and will forever be beautiful, smart and MY little sister who has my heart.

we're alike, you just have to know us well. :)

saturdays

as I sit in this saturday class and look outside at the sunshine after a week of rain, it's hard to pay attention to the debate of if i agree with physician-assisted suicide. because what I feel is not liked in this classroom. i've learned more about christian narrow mindedness these past two years sitting in this classroom than i ever thought i would. 

when it comes to this topic, i have flashbacks. i'm in a bunk bed in a home of my parent's friends, the light is shining in the hall, my mom leans over and kisses me good night. she tells me she and my dad are going to the hospital to see Abby again. and that nellie and i will go with them tomorrow to see her again. She says not to worry, Janie is in the other room and we're safe. I roll over and say good night to my little sister. And then i think of that little car seat in the back seat of the car. it's got this little plastic yellow covering with flowers on it. mom had covered it with a soft dark blue slip cover so that the sticky yellow plastic didn't show. i thought it smelled funny and commented to my mother abut that. she said that both nellie and i had ridden in it, so it was good enough for abby. 

then mom asked me to help pick out a cute coming home outfit for Abby, and nellie and i thought hard about what we wanted our new little baby sister to wear home. i can't remember the outfit, I just remember the weight my mom seemed to carry around with her.  

i was so excited when i got up the next morning and went out to see my parents. I asked early on when are we going to see Abby? It was then that I noticed the atmosphere in the room, it was then that i took that step back and asked what's wrong, what's going on?

We let Abby go last night, she's with Jesus now. is that how they told me? i have no idea, i can't even remember. all i remember is the anger - you said we'd get to see her again! you said we'd see her again! we didn't get to see her again! why would you tell me i got to see her again and then let her go! why would you do that? when i think back to that moment, I'll be honest, not all that anger is gone. i still wonder at how they decided that night instead of the next day.

It was done, the rest is mainly a blur. I remember a neighbor saying she was sorry i wasn't a big sister anymore. I remember seeing another neighbor at the memorial in a dress. I remember watching my dad cry while he read at her memorial. i also remember going to every VBS held that summer in the city of bellingham. I remember watching my mother cry everyday and all day long. and i remember walking back to the swings in my yard and having Connie say, just think of it this way, you got to play here on earth and you'll get to tell her all about it and when you get to heaven she'll get to tell you all about playing up there.

Does she look down at me? Does she know I love her, that I think of her? Does she know that she's a vital part of our family even when we don't say it? Does she know I'll grieve for her the rest of my life? My little dark haired sister who had such a little time here. 

this topic of "pulling the plug" of letting someone go when you know that their life may not be worth living. it hits close to home. did my parents make the right choice? did they really have a choice? i want out of this classroom with this judgement, i'm barely holding back the tears. 

I miss you Abby.

cowboy

the rolling hills spread out before you. the grass sways - there are no houses in sight, it's just you and the land. and of course your super cute house, with drop dead gorgeous hubby, cute kids, high speed Internet and all the money you could ever need.
that's what i think of when i dream about being a ranchers wife, not of all the work or the reality of what that life would entail. because I read pioneer woman - she's pretty wonderful! and her in the middle of no where experience is not the norm. it's pretty fairy tale, at least the part she shares with her blog readers. i love her though.
my mom is convinced that i wouldn't like solitary life - um i would. i dream of having my own space, of having a large yard - and not living in a development. where miss can run and run (and come back).
I've been thinking about that space a lot lately and I've been thinking about how cowboys (okay i know that's not actually their term) brand their animals. I want my own brand. I've even looked into getting a one made, they are expensive. so then i tried to think of how to could make one. yeah right, I'm not that skilled.
you know why i want a brand? because i want to do an heart project. i'm not an artist. but lately i've been pretending. i've been trying desperately to process the crap in my life. to process once again the fact that i have had heart surgery - yes i know you are all tired of hearing about it. but i'm trying once again to move through this pain that isn't leaving, it's still there. you think it's gone, but it's not. there's still lessons to learn, there's still things I'm growing in and from. and you know what? i don't think those will ever stop. so brace yourselves people, it's my story and it's my life so just deal with it.
and that's why i need a brand. i want to burn something into paper. i want the statement those singed edges will make, i want to see the burns, the scar it will leave behind. i want to make a statement with this "art". i want to use it to grow and heal - try break up that scar tissue that's grown hard.

you have a scar that's hardened? try and massage it - does it hurt? mine do - i want them to, i want to push as hard as i can so that I can be that person I'm being called to be.

screaming

there's a beast crawling around in my chest. his nails are ripping through my being - he's screaming at me to be let out. his fiery breath sears my soul. and i want to rip my chest open to let him out. i don't want him inside me - he's yucky and gross. i want to shower and scrub and scrub until i'm raw, maybe then he'll be gone.

"let me out, you know you want to"

"let me free, you can't hold me in here any longer"

"come one just do it"

"whose it gonna hurt?"

alone in the silence of my room i scream. "RAPE!"

"RAPE." the words tear out of my throat.

"RAPE. SHE WAS RAPED." I scream out loud.

"It's not fair, why her?" I whisper.

The words rip through me. The tears fall. My body is shaking and quivering. goosebumps stand out all over my arms, shivers of cold slither over my body. No one but me has heard my scream - i've let the demon out.

It doesn't help. It's the same. It's not freeing, there was no one there to have their heart break with me. There's no one there to hold me as i scream for my friend. He still crawls around inside me. one more pain i'll hold for a friend. One more hurt that can never be let out.

that root of her pain, the depth of her tears are rooted in my breast. i'll carry it for her, i'll slowly walk beside her as we dig deep and extract that deep strangling root, we'll dig in and pry that demons grasping fingers out of her heart, out of her soul. she'll be changed forever, she'll always carry a scar - that won't just disappear as those demons fiery hands have branded her. but the growing root of bitterness and of pain, we with Christ's help - will be banished.

a friend cries in pain? their tears stream down my face.
someone calls a friend a nasty name? it sticks in my belly.

i'll walk this with her. i'll stand upright and shoulder this.

but at home, in the silence i'll curl up and scream.

songs

i love music. there are those that don't need words and notes running through their heads at all times. i do. i need music. i'm told before I could talk i sang. my parents said that i spent my days singing as i played, as i read stories, as i rode in the car, my days were filled with music only i could hear. 

to this day i need music, i love to sing. and i don't always get the words on the first try. or the 50th try. i can hear a song once and basically remember the melody, the introduction, the way the notes move and swell. but the words? if they aren't written down in front of me, i don't understand them, i don't comprehend them. i can listen to a song over and over and still have no idea what some of the words are. once i see the words I'm fine. but more often than not i learn a song with incorrect lyrics cause i just don't hear what they're saying.

in my car it's always a risk with my cd player - sometimes it spits the cd out and others, well I've had cd's stuck in there for months on end. because of this and because i'm so tired of the radio...  i want to make a mix that i can handle having stuck in my cd player for months on end... now i need to put serious thought into this. i've been thinking about it for days now and have come up with three songs...

Walk with Me - Caedmonds call

Otis Redding - Sara Evans

TAke my life - which i currently don't own cause i'm looking for a particular version.

i know i want christian music and country - i'll need some slow songs and some upbeat ones... OH! 

My Hallelujah Song - Julianne houghs

Okay so four....

Any suggestions? i need help i can only take so much  more radio.

two for one

i have so many ideas for blog posts rolling around in my head i don't even know where to start, what to say. there are two that i want to write one, two that i need to write on - well one that i need to and one i'd like to. but one i'll save for tomorrow.

this week was my birthday - i love birthdays. i get very excited for mine and i love celebrating others. i usually build up my expectations and am sorely disappointed. 

this year i got to experience the birthday train in all it's glory. it was quite fun! i got to go out to dinner with a very good friend c on monday, we started the tradition the first year we spend a birthday being friends together four years ago. it's so much fun. we go out, have dinner and TALK. man can we talk!!! 

then thursday my actual birthday my parents took me out for dinner and we exchanged presents and that was really nice. i was sick, actually sick all week so it was dampened by that but i really enjoyed my time with them.

then friday my old small group gathered and we had dinner and then went to a local show where my room mate opened and dana little played. that was really fun, dinner like always with those girls was hilarious. the concert was crowded but i got to catch up with some people i hadn't seen in years. 

at my the concert my best friend joined us and from the concert (one small group friend left) we went to my favorite martini bar! i love going there and always have fun. we had a goofy waiter and told funny stories, LAUGHED a lot and shared our lives with each other. I am so thankful that those friend melded together as well as they did.

saturday i woke up late, was rushed gathering things but then i usually am when i host things. my wonderful dear, loud friend n came to visit before my official birthday party saturday night. she came up and just hung out with me as we hadn't seen each other in over a year. nor talked really. but with her one can slip in without any hitches. i was reminded as to why i spent almost everyday with her one quarter as we laughed and talked and were completely honest with each other. we had dinner, had a crazy indian food experience and then the other guest arrived. it's funny, the people who made my night special are the people who i love dearly. i have one friend t, he's been at all my birthday's since we've been friends. when i think of birthday's i think of him. he came even though he's sick and should have been at home in bed. then there's n, she drove up from seattle, and i laughed with her like i haven't laughed with someone in awhile. then there's cb and db, i've walked an interesting path with cb, but i do love her and really enjoy being with her and tonight i relearned that in a good way! one of my small group ladies came which was so sweet and it reminded me why i am doing this painful thing of leading a d group each week. 

and then last but so not least is e. she's one of the only constants in my life. and she hasn't been in town for a birthday for a few years. it was pretty much wonderful to have her here tonight as well as yesterday. she leaves last, she helps clean up, she just is her consistent rock for me. when n said i could bring someone to the wedding, who else would i bring but e? i mean she may not like that i drag her places, but she lets me. and e. she wrote this blog about me and my birthday and i was really confused by it, and so she re wrote it and i want to respond to the new version, cause it's way better than the original. she wrote about some of her memories of our friendship and i wanted to respond/share mine. 

that bike ride was awful. 

skinnydipping off the dock SO much better than the beach. 

the defrost did not work in that car i got to drive! 

remind me of the steven curtis chapman song... 

i'm pretty sure i know which road you speak of, at least i think i have only one favorite. 

jesus the volleyball or something we took pictures with on that road trip... whatever happened to those pictures? did you ever see them? 

oh florida! 

to add to this wonderful list...

reading on that huge bed in that little room in fernburg

you speaking for me when things got hard with s and k

hayden

curried chicken tea sandwiches

book after book after book

mexico

jumping in lake whatcom after graduation

i could go on and on.

i'm very blessed. i'm feeling very blessed as this birthday train is now finally leaving the station. i have wonderful friends in my life and i have a good while weird family. i have friends who've become family. 

i'm newly 24. i hope this year is different. i pray this year is different. i'm happy to start this year with some very good friends.