sour

the doubts stream, flowing across my mind - i twist and turn. My body shakes, my mind is tormented and I feel sick.

don't you get it? this isn't fair. and yet, in the back of my mind - I know I share some of the blame. and oh, that makes the rages speed through my limbs. I was to shout - YOU DID ME WRONG! but i can't. cause lets be honest, sometimes I suck at life. that job, that place was like a black fog entering my entire being- making me sink, causing me to fall, pushing me down until I could barely stand. that place that was supposedly so great, such a wonderful employer made me what to scrap my skin off. peeling back the layers of that place, of that company, of those people who were in charge was not only not pretty but disappointing and frustrating.

it's some many months later and still I jerk awake in a sweat, tangled and bothered. those words echoing in my mind... you're not good enough.

I'm learning to say - No, you weren't a good enough place FOR ME.

I can get up each day, I can do the things I need to do, I can be ME.

Soon, I pray, the sour taste will leave my mouth. I will move in the direction that God is taking me and I will have ripped the bitter roots out of my heart. I feel as though right now the stem was pulled away but the roots remain. It's taking a hard tool to dig those bitterness roots out. And I'm praying that none will remain.

she's golden

About six months ago I reached the quarter century mark, and I've been waiting for my bff to join me ever since. Today is her golden day, 25 on the 25th. Along that vein here's 25 golden things that i just love about her...

1. she belts out country with the best of them (she always knows the words where as i have to hum along alot.)

2. she read just as speedy as i - often staying up late just to finish that latest book

3. she hearts basketball - has her entire life which speaks to her steadfast nature which i adore.

4. she could watch HGTV all day and more power to her i say - and while I adore it as well, she and i think so differently so we make an awesome team, she's so practical and straight forward - she's walked through my crap with me and given me such awesome insight - thanks E!

5. shallow but her hair is just plain awesome.

6. she backs you up. i know that she has my back without asking - and often she defends me and the other person doesn't even know they've been served. :o)

7. she loves jesus and continues to be authentic in her relationship with him.

8. she enjoys her family - she seems to grow closer with all of them as she gets older.

9. she makes me laugh - she makes lots of people laugh.

10. she adores shoes - and has a whole lot of them! and man, does she have good taste.

11. speaking of taste - she's willing to take risks and try new things with her style. and she does it well.

12. she taught me about memory foam and may have saved my back...

13. even when we don't live in the same city she stays on the up and up - teaching me the meaning of friendship

14. she loves her dogs

15. she's not afraid of color and pattern

16. she consistently stays positive and encouraging.

17. she remembers the details and gives good gifts.

18. she continually introduces me to knew music - she has an adventurous spirit.

19. she's loyal

20. she's extremely hard working - she kicks my butt daily.

21. she's generous and caring

22. she's willing to put other's needs before her own.

23. she challenges the people she cares about but in a mature and loving way.

24. she's helpful

25. she's beautiful. Outside and In.

thanks E for being an amazing bff for all these years - here's to the next 25

today was a 7

have you been asked to rate your pain on a scale of one to ten? Ten being the most pain you've ever had? Well, today I was asked to rate my happiness, one being just plain bad and ten being I'd died and gone to heaven i was so happy, those were my therapists definitions. I told her 7.

I had a wonderful 4th, I got to hang out with some very lovely ladies. Women who love God, who love their husbands, who are somewhat close to my age and who are excited to have me move to Seattle and hang out with them. Being with them, chatting with them, it gave me hope. I'm encouraged and hopeful about my next step. God has been faithful in this unemployment journey of sprinkling encouragement and infusing me with hope.

First, the day after losing my job I had a pretty formal party slash event to attend at which I saw friends who are either moving to seattle or already live there, they were all excited and encouraging about my moving. It lifted me up, made me feel just a little bit more like myself. And it gave me the courage to face this summer of not really having a job.

Then, Lisa had her last talk at the INN and a little something sweet of a going away party, there at both of those events I was struck by what an influence both Lisa and the INN have had on my life. The real desire of mine to be in community with those people and new people - to continue to grow in my relationship with God. I was challenged and again encouraged to face my unknown future with a smile.

Around that time I started therapy, which being honest was pretty lame those first couple weeks. Lame, because well, I've haven't been making the best choices, and I needed to face that. My brain is tired, I've been working it hard these last four weeks. And today I'm hopeful because the re-thinking, the new muscles I'm building in my noggin are working, I'm taking myself to a place where I want to be. Where I need to be.

So today was a 7. Yes, there are still some serious doubts. For one, why the H isn't my condo selling? Everyday I wake up and think "this is an awesome place to live, why aren't people seeing that?" Well, duh, no one has money right now, but still!! I've worked hard to make this place my home, and I really think someone else is going to like it even more than I do. So instead of being an 8, I'm a 7 because I just don't seem to have much patience.

Things worked out today, I saw God's fingerprints in some very practical simple ways, and I'm thankful for them. I'm thankful he's put people in my life like E who can listen and help me process and give me brilliant advice. Like my sis who I can look to for an example for where I need to grow in my life right now. For Bethany who love to asks me the hard questions. For Dana who is so forgiving when i do silly things like take my measurements wrong.

Now as I go into this week, ( i know it's the middle of the week) I'm praying for patience, and for secure hope in God's plan. The future is scary, but I'm beginning to dream again.

don't give up, no-oh...

those of you reading this blog may have noticed I've been a little down lately and for all good reasons. not getting into school, having frustration at work, and struggling with packing up my condo and moving to seattle. As excited as I am to move - i am so excited, it is very overwhelming. I have to figure out if I want to buy, if i have to rent, where am I going to live, what job can i get, gotta see the doctor and dentist before benefits run out.... AH!

the boxes are slowly coming together and my house is still a mess, going through everything, fixing up all I can. basically it's A LOT.

but this sunday a few things happened, first it was Easter, Jesus is so much bigger than anything i'm struggling with. it was a pretty powerful reminder that he is my Holy Lord, and he needs to come first.

Then at church I saw a friend, whom I hardly ever get to see. She just had a baby, well two months ago and I got to meet her for the first time. She's precious! I also got to tell them that I'm moving to seattle, they live in north seattle so i'm hoping that I actually get to see this wonderful, beautiful lady and her family. She was my first consistent babysitter, we had her for several years growing up. She was also my math teacher in high school, that was strange! And then I TA'd for her one semester my senior year. Chatting with her, meeting her little girl, seeing her her hubby (whom I totally like! though when i first heard of him - lets just say i was very, very jealous!) it put the biggest smile on my face! I so hope that living in seattle means getting to see them so much more than now! (which is really um just seeing them, lol)

third was going to easter lunch/dinner with the regulars, we got to eat in Diane's new dining room, which was awesome and a long time coming! Yay for remodels! :) But the best part? Other than seeing everyone... Diane asked that we start the meal by singing the Doxology... the way our voices blended... there's a lot of musical people in our group, and the sound of our voices thanking God in a traditional, musical way was breath taking. it brought tears to my eyes and i got goose-bumps. At the end there was a four part harmony cause we are that good and I could just feel Jesus right there in the room with us. I haven't felt him in awhile... and he was there, as he's always been. As I walk into this week this new song from Amy Grant's newest album is running through my head... one foot in front of the other... take it one day at a time.... and remembering it doesn't happen overnight.

(and yes, after our meal we came home to escape chickens! except for the fat one they were ALL out in the yard!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Gm1lVWXwEs you'll have to copy and paste that link - ignore the brittany commercial in the beginning.

Overnight - Amy Grant featuring Sarah Chapman

So, you've handed in your resignation,

contemplatin' why nothin' turns out right.
A little fed up with all the disappointments,
so what's the point in wastin' any time?

It's only temporary, so what's your hurry?
No need to worry. Don't you know that,

(chorus)
If it all just happened overnight,
you wouldn't know how much it means?
Ye-ah
If it all just happened overnight,
you would never learn to believe
in what you cannot see,
oo-oh
what you cannot see.

I feel like pace is at a standstill.
Do I wait till it falls into my hands?
A long highway ahead, gettin' started.
Steady hearted, is what I think I am.

There's somethin' to be said for experience.
Who knows what's ahead. Keep on goin'.

Chorus

(Take it a day, a day at a time)
One foot in front of the other,
(Take it a day, a day at a time)
No need to hurry, hurry.
(Take it a day, a day at a time)
It won't happen over night.
It won't happen over night.

Have a little faith,
(Have a little faith)
Must appreciate,
(Must appreciate)

really?! don't know if i believe it...

heard a song on the radio today... while i fell a little in love with it, I was also filled with a sense of doubt and disbelief. the lyrics say that a guy wants his girl to be casual and relaxed, completely herself... wanting the girl who has her hair messed up, in an old t-shirt and jeans, no make up and dancing barefoot in the kitchen to her favorite song... while i wish for that... is it really true?

Joe Nicols - Gimmie that Girl

...Gimmie that girl with the hair in a mess
sleepy little smile with her head on my chest,
thats the you that i like best,
gimmie that girl.
Gimmie that girl lovin up on me,
old t-shirt and a pair of jeans,
thats the you i wanna see,
gimmie that girl.

Gimmie the girl thats beautiful,
without a trace of makeup of on,
barefoot in the kitchen,
singing her favorite song.
Dancing around like a fool,
starring in her own little show,
gimmie the girl the rest of the world,
ain't lucky enough to know...

a valley

so i've been off for a little while. i haven't been enjoying life for some time. I mean i have my spurts, but for the most part the last six months or so I've been unhappy.

People ask me what's wrong and it's like, well, I'm sad. There's no concrete reason or reasons. I'm just sad. People want there to be a reason... there isn't one. I don't even think there needs to be a reason. So i've realized that part of the way i've combated this sadness is by changing my hair.... lets travel back six months...

July - I grew my hair out for 3 years and got very blond...

October - i've always wanted to try being really dark... so i tried it!

December - then i chopped my hair short, a short bob like thing, you can't really tell with this picture, i i liked it!

February - and then i went shorted and decided to lighten back up... had real bangs for the first time ever!

and now March - back to even blond... not quite back to as blond as in the beginning but still BLOND AGAIN! same cut, I've decided i need to grow my hair out again, so yay!

Amy the lady who cuts my hair whom I adore, she asked why i was changing my hair so much, i hesitated a moment and then said I haven't been happy and hair grows back so why not just keep changing it. I had to keep myself from crying as I met her eyes in the mirror, she said hmmm, that's not the right way to make oneself happy is it? No, no it's not how to make oneself happy.

feb 2010 just a tad bit late!

so yes, it's basically the end of march, so why am i posting on february? well i said i'd try to post each month, so i'll post today and maybe next week i'll post for march! Ha! (and yes the picture is fuzzy - i can't figure out how to get my camera to work right...)

February sucked.

it was a month of waiting, waiting desperately to hear i got into grad school. in the beginning of the month right after work i'd check the mail box... nothing. by the middle of the month i couldn't bear to check and so i'd wait inside until my room mate came home and each day she'd walk in and i'd look up hopefully and she'd say... sorry!

i didn't get in.

the world stopped turning for just one moment and then oh yes, it keeps right on going. i had a lot of support, i couldn't bear telling people out loud, so i texted a bunch of friends and family and i got some very caring texts back. and while i appreciate that, IT DID'T MEAN I GOT IN!

so this month, well February and to be honest march as well - has been a time of extreme frustration. Yes, I'm still moving to seattle, and yes I'm still going to apply for grad school. But urgh! I'm so irritated. I keep wanting to say Okay Lord, seriously, you're making me wait for this thing too?! I can't have a boy, I can't have the relationship I so want, and now I can't even have school either?! How the H is that fair??

Oh well, I'm going to keep pushing forward. I'm going to apply next winter and I'll be even better of an applicant! I'll get a better score on the MAT, I'll have more volunteer hours and I'll have that pesky stats class on my transcript. And to please my sis, I'll apply to a bunch of schools. That still fails to make right now better.

I've been looking for the silver lining, something to say thank you for. Something to give praise for. Cause right now? I don't feel it. Every week I get massages (yes, that's right, every week!) And being me, i've become friends with Shannon, I mean I spend an hour each week, and we talk the whole time, why wouldn't we be friends? She knew from the beginning I wanted to move far away, she worried that seattle wouldn't be enough distance for me, she challenged me why I wanted to go to SPU, and then the next week she listened and agreed with me on my reasons for pursuing this place instead. And she waited with me, each week asking if the letter had come, and near the end of the month she worried about me, and the stress i was carrying in my body. My pain level got to an 8 and that bothered her!

The letter came the day after I saw her, so I had a full week to process, and yet when i walked and met her eyes, I almost started crying. I didn't want to tell her, I didn't want to see her sadness for me, I knew it would be deep and difficult for her as she'd dreamed with me. I told her i didn't get in and that i was really sad, numb and lost. And then i told her, that um yes, i'll still be moving because of all the opportunities and yes, I'll apply again in just a few short 6 months. And then we moved on to talk of happier things - her school, their new house, anything to keep off depressing topic of grad school. we were nearing the end of tummy time and she said something along the lines of "ya know christine, I just want to say I'm impressed that you are moving forward, some people could or would let this devastate them and they'd give up."

I laughed, and said it's not me, for some reason I don't give up, I've had plenty of opportunities to give in. I said I have some innate inability to just let go of these dreams, i keep pushing forward. i told her, it's surprising, cause I'm lazy and emotional so you'd think i'd just say it's too much work for too much hurt - but i don't.

I'm glad that somehow God made me this way, if it's my upbringing or just the way he wired me - and I know God's the reason I'm this way. Because I was and am devastated that I didn't get in. And yet, God's put something in me, to keep pushing, to keep saying, no! I have dreams, i have desires, they're rooted in you, and I will keep going. And for that, I can genuinely in this situation, say thank you.