cowboy

the rolling hills spread out before you. the grass sways - there are no houses in sight, it's just you and the land. and of course your super cute house, with drop dead gorgeous hubby, cute kids, high speed Internet and all the money you could ever need.
that's what i think of when i dream about being a ranchers wife, not of all the work or the reality of what that life would entail. because I read pioneer woman - she's pretty wonderful! and her in the middle of no where experience is not the norm. it's pretty fairy tale, at least the part she shares with her blog readers. i love her though.
my mom is convinced that i wouldn't like solitary life - um i would. i dream of having my own space, of having a large yard - and not living in a development. where miss can run and run (and come back).
I've been thinking about that space a lot lately and I've been thinking about how cowboys (okay i know that's not actually their term) brand their animals. I want my own brand. I've even looked into getting a one made, they are expensive. so then i tried to think of how to could make one. yeah right, I'm not that skilled.
you know why i want a brand? because i want to do an heart project. i'm not an artist. but lately i've been pretending. i've been trying desperately to process the crap in my life. to process once again the fact that i have had heart surgery - yes i know you are all tired of hearing about it. but i'm trying once again to move through this pain that isn't leaving, it's still there. you think it's gone, but it's not. there's still lessons to learn, there's still things I'm growing in and from. and you know what? i don't think those will ever stop. so brace yourselves people, it's my story and it's my life so just deal with it.
and that's why i need a brand. i want to burn something into paper. i want the statement those singed edges will make, i want to see the burns, the scar it will leave behind. i want to make a statement with this "art". i want to use it to grow and heal - try break up that scar tissue that's grown hard.

you have a scar that's hardened? try and massage it - does it hurt? mine do - i want them to, i want to push as hard as i can so that I can be that person I'm being called to be.

screaming

there's a beast crawling around in my chest. his nails are ripping through my being - he's screaming at me to be let out. his fiery breath sears my soul. and i want to rip my chest open to let him out. i don't want him inside me - he's yucky and gross. i want to shower and scrub and scrub until i'm raw, maybe then he'll be gone.

"let me out, you know you want to"

"let me free, you can't hold me in here any longer"

"come one just do it"

"whose it gonna hurt?"

alone in the silence of my room i scream. "RAPE!"

"RAPE." the words tear out of my throat.

"RAPE. SHE WAS RAPED." I scream out loud.

"It's not fair, why her?" I whisper.

The words rip through me. The tears fall. My body is shaking and quivering. goosebumps stand out all over my arms, shivers of cold slither over my body. No one but me has heard my scream - i've let the demon out.

It doesn't help. It's the same. It's not freeing, there was no one there to have their heart break with me. There's no one there to hold me as i scream for my friend. He still crawls around inside me. one more pain i'll hold for a friend. One more hurt that can never be let out.

that root of her pain, the depth of her tears are rooted in my breast. i'll carry it for her, i'll slowly walk beside her as we dig deep and extract that deep strangling root, we'll dig in and pry that demons grasping fingers out of her heart, out of her soul. she'll be changed forever, she'll always carry a scar - that won't just disappear as those demons fiery hands have branded her. but the growing root of bitterness and of pain, we with Christ's help - will be banished.

a friend cries in pain? their tears stream down my face.
someone calls a friend a nasty name? it sticks in my belly.

i'll walk this with her. i'll stand upright and shoulder this.

but at home, in the silence i'll curl up and scream.

songs

i love music. there are those that don't need words and notes running through their heads at all times. i do. i need music. i'm told before I could talk i sang. my parents said that i spent my days singing as i played, as i read stories, as i rode in the car, my days were filled with music only i could hear. 

to this day i need music, i love to sing. and i don't always get the words on the first try. or the 50th try. i can hear a song once and basically remember the melody, the introduction, the way the notes move and swell. but the words? if they aren't written down in front of me, i don't understand them, i don't comprehend them. i can listen to a song over and over and still have no idea what some of the words are. once i see the words I'm fine. but more often than not i learn a song with incorrect lyrics cause i just don't hear what they're saying.

in my car it's always a risk with my cd player - sometimes it spits the cd out and others, well I've had cd's stuck in there for months on end. because of this and because i'm so tired of the radio...  i want to make a mix that i can handle having stuck in my cd player for months on end... now i need to put serious thought into this. i've been thinking about it for days now and have come up with three songs...

Walk with Me - Caedmonds call

Otis Redding - Sara Evans

TAke my life - which i currently don't own cause i'm looking for a particular version.

i know i want christian music and country - i'll need some slow songs and some upbeat ones... OH! 

My Hallelujah Song - Julianne houghs

Okay so four....

Any suggestions? i need help i can only take so much  more radio.

two for one

i have so many ideas for blog posts rolling around in my head i don't even know where to start, what to say. there are two that i want to write one, two that i need to write on - well one that i need to and one i'd like to. but one i'll save for tomorrow.

this week was my birthday - i love birthdays. i get very excited for mine and i love celebrating others. i usually build up my expectations and am sorely disappointed. 

this year i got to experience the birthday train in all it's glory. it was quite fun! i got to go out to dinner with a very good friend c on monday, we started the tradition the first year we spend a birthday being friends together four years ago. it's so much fun. we go out, have dinner and TALK. man can we talk!!! 

then thursday my actual birthday my parents took me out for dinner and we exchanged presents and that was really nice. i was sick, actually sick all week so it was dampened by that but i really enjoyed my time with them.

then friday my old small group gathered and we had dinner and then went to a local show where my room mate opened and dana little played. that was really fun, dinner like always with those girls was hilarious. the concert was crowded but i got to catch up with some people i hadn't seen in years. 

at my the concert my best friend joined us and from the concert (one small group friend left) we went to my favorite martini bar! i love going there and always have fun. we had a goofy waiter and told funny stories, LAUGHED a lot and shared our lives with each other. I am so thankful that those friend melded together as well as they did.

saturday i woke up late, was rushed gathering things but then i usually am when i host things. my wonderful dear, loud friend n came to visit before my official birthday party saturday night. she came up and just hung out with me as we hadn't seen each other in over a year. nor talked really. but with her one can slip in without any hitches. i was reminded as to why i spent almost everyday with her one quarter as we laughed and talked and were completely honest with each other. we had dinner, had a crazy indian food experience and then the other guest arrived. it's funny, the people who made my night special are the people who i love dearly. i have one friend t, he's been at all my birthday's since we've been friends. when i think of birthday's i think of him. he came even though he's sick and should have been at home in bed. then there's n, she drove up from seattle, and i laughed with her like i haven't laughed with someone in awhile. then there's cb and db, i've walked an interesting path with cb, but i do love her and really enjoy being with her and tonight i relearned that in a good way! one of my small group ladies came which was so sweet and it reminded me why i am doing this painful thing of leading a d group each week. 

and then last but so not least is e. she's one of the only constants in my life. and she hasn't been in town for a birthday for a few years. it was pretty much wonderful to have her here tonight as well as yesterday. she leaves last, she helps clean up, she just is her consistent rock for me. when n said i could bring someone to the wedding, who else would i bring but e? i mean she may not like that i drag her places, but she lets me. and e. she wrote this blog about me and my birthday and i was really confused by it, and so she re wrote it and i want to respond to the new version, cause it's way better than the original. she wrote about some of her memories of our friendship and i wanted to respond/share mine. 

that bike ride was awful. 

skinnydipping off the dock SO much better than the beach. 

the defrost did not work in that car i got to drive! 

remind me of the steven curtis chapman song... 

i'm pretty sure i know which road you speak of, at least i think i have only one favorite. 

jesus the volleyball or something we took pictures with on that road trip... whatever happened to those pictures? did you ever see them? 

oh florida! 

to add to this wonderful list...

reading on that huge bed in that little room in fernburg

you speaking for me when things got hard with s and k

hayden

curried chicken tea sandwiches

book after book after book

mexico

jumping in lake whatcom after graduation

i could go on and on.

i'm very blessed. i'm feeling very blessed as this birthday train is now finally leaving the station. i have wonderful friends in my life and i have a good while weird family. i have friends who've become family. 

i'm newly 24. i hope this year is different. i pray this year is different. i'm happy to start this year with some very good friends.

super powers?

i've never thought about being a super hero, i mean who wouldn't want to fly, or spin really fast and go back in time, but I've always wondered about  being in the FBI or CIA or something like that. 

To have a job where you literally are in the face of danger and you're working to solve the problem, sounds thrilling, terrifying and so intriguing! To be a person who is so good at your job other people depend on you. To know that when the day is done you've made a tangible difference, as well as to have thought hard and used the brains and skills God's given me.

I don't often admit it out loud, but something like that, that's the kind of job I really want, hostage negotiator, trauma psychologist, counselor for FBI agents, part of the BAU. 

I know those dreams aren't realistic, but every other week or so, i dream a little.

tunnels

for me school has always been something of an nuisance. it's not that i don't like learning, I would just rather learn by life experience than through books, lectures and homework. college has been something of a challenge to me. i haven't enjoyed it much, it's hard having to pay to take classes I don't want to take and then my grades aren't always the best because in those classes i struggle to stay motivated. I'm not smart, well I am when i apply myself but i don't usually do that which is all my fault. i struggle with the feelings of inadequacy and failure most everyday when it comes to school and in college it's been amplified. 

see my sister is smart and driven which leads to a close 4.0, not exactly but points higher than mine. my brother is naturally smart, his brain crammed full of information already of things someone whose 15 usually doesn't know. and then there's me. I'm the sensitive, musical one who cares about people, that's how i've heard them, my siblings describe me. i like people. i mean they do too but it's not what gets them up in the morning. for me school has always been about the relationships i can build and grow by being in class each day. in high school i got through school because I could care and learn about people. college - it's been harder to do that, classes are larger, you don't really have time in class to get to know people it's all outside of class which makes things much harder. 

school has felt, or rather college has felt like a tunnel for me. five years ago i took a deep breathe and i haven't been able to let it out yet. i've been running though this tunnel now for five years, at times it was a walk, and for a few quarters there i was at a complete stand still. this last year and a half i've been in a new program and I have been running and as I get closer to the end the pressure and amount of work is ramping up and therefore i am currently sprinting. and honestly I don't know if i'll make it to the finish line. I'm trying to run so hard in this moment that i feel as i did in 7th grade at our middle school retreat. I was running then too, literally running in a game called "scream and run" the point was you could run as long as you were screaming and you could only take one breathe. Well i'd won earlier so i was out to prove i could win again, i started screaming and running and suddenly i was falling slowly forward and sliding on the asphalt. not fun i tell you and right now I feel that downward slow sense of falling and sliding, this time if I crash I won't leave a nasty scar on my knee, i'll once again fail at school.

this week is going to be very difficult as I will be doing hours of homework everyday, it's not going to be fun. it's going to be very hard. thinking of it makes me shake. but i've done all 26 quizzes and i started on wednesday, did no work on thursday, so i'm pretty proud of that, and oh I got 100% on all of them! now I just have to write two papers and create a creative, informative poster and prepare a 20 minute discussion. this all by friday, and that's not evening mentioning what I have to get done by july. there may be a light at the tunnel but it's faint and I'm in need of an oxygen tank or at least someone to buddy breathe with.

poconos

Okay i don't even know if that is how you spell it. but on friends season one Rachel dates this Italian guy and she's trying to say that city name so that he can say, (he doesn't speak much english) and she says it like "poke a nose".

well my favorite thing about my puppy is her nose. It's tiny compared to my other dog's and his is almost always cold and wet and he really doesn't like you to touch it. But my puppy, well she's different from Ted in almost every way so it makes sense that her nose is not always cold and wet, and she lets me touch it as much as I want. and when i touch it, it's more of a "poke a nose" - and I say that to her as I "poke" her, she's unbelievably cute and her nose is adorable. 

A few days ago i was at my best friends house and one of her dogs was laying on his back paws in the air taking in the moment. Her dad asked me why I thought he might be laying like that, I said miss does it whenever she's feeling really content and relaxed. 

She did that this afternoon after I'd spent some time playing with her and her bear (her favorite toy) and I'd rubbed her tummy, she as content. The look of love and delight was obvious on her face and just this morning she had been bummed cause I hadn't taken her outside. 

i wonder, do I show my contentment and delight? Do i take the time to live in that moment of peace and joy? I find myself frustrated with myself and life often these days. I'm not in a relationship and no where near one, I can't seem to learn financial responsibility and i can't seem to get off my butt and work out - wii fit here i come!

I hope that as I enter this holiday season, as I take time to reflect and see my life for who Christ has made me, I can have that time laying on my back arms open in God's love - content and relaxed in him.